so i got to be in the newspaper!

Well it turns out the article came out christmas day, the article covering my medical life going with T.C Thompson's Children's Hospital of Chattanooga Miracle child. Thought Id post the article here for people who may not have access to Chattanooga Times, or the Dalton Daily Citizen as it was also published there a day or two later.

Cameron Watkins looks out of place as he leans back into the chair in Room 2 of the Pediatric Cancer and Blood Disorder Center at the Children's Hospital at Erlanger. Large plastic dinosaurs stand in some of the adjacent rooms, a giraffe towers over one wall and children toddle around a play area filled with plastic balls and a toy kitchen.

But Watkins, 23, is at home.

"I've spent more time here than I've spent in school," he said. "They've known me my whole life."

This is the 51st time he has made the trip from his home in Dalton, Ga., this year, once each week. He has been coming for 10 years, ever since he took part in a clinical trial for a new drug that saved his life.

On this Tuesday morning, his friend Triston Smith, who hopes to one day become a doctor, sprays a numbing anesthetic around the port inserted into Watkins's chest. Nurse Laura Gibson inserts the IV that will slowly drip a drug solution into his body over the next five hours. Then he and Triston settle down for a game of Connect 4, a version of tic-tac-toe on steroids.

"He's an amazing kid," said Dr. Manoo Bhakta, who has helped treat Watkins since he was 5. "People ask, do you believe in miracles — he's simply a miracle."

When Watkins was a young boy his mother, Tressia, thought she saw problems she had not noticed with his older brother. Doctors initially brushed her off as an overprotective mom. She persisted, and found a doctor who realized something really was wrong.

The diagnosis was Hunter syndrome, an extremely rare condition caused by the lack of an enzyme in his body; a genetic defect. It only affects boys — around one in 150,000.

The enzyme helps the body break down and clear out used material. When it is not present, the material builds up in the heart, the tendons and even the brain, causing myriad problems.

Bhakta remembers when he met Watkins.

"He had a massive spleen, and he had an ear infection that had started bleeding and couldn't be stopped," he said. Watkins also had a leaky heart valve and doctors were considering a risky transplant operation.

At the time, Hunter syndrome was a death sentence — most boys diagnosed with it only lived until their midteens.

But Watkins got a lucky break. Bhakta put him in touch with doctors at Duke University to become part of the first clinical study of a new drug, idursulfase, sold by the Shire pharmaceutical company as elaprase. While the drug can't replace his missing enzyme, it does perform many of its functions, keeping the symptoms from becoming worse.

And then Watkins got really lucky. Since this was a test to determine if the drug worked, half of the boys in the test group got nothing, a placebo.

Cameron was one of the fortunate ones who got the drug, and it worked, almost immediately.

"His spleen shrank, his platelet count dropped," Bhakta said. "He would not be with us today if it weren't for this amazing drug."

Doctors decided his heart condition had improved to the point that he didn't need the valve transplant.

He still has problems with his hearing, and his heart can act up unexpectedly. He's had to fight to keep his body in shape to stay out of a wheelchair, but he is able to walk on his own or with a cane.

Sometimes he overreaches and pay the consequences. On a trip with Smith last year to Disney World, he walked on his own with a cane for five hours, but ended up back in his hotel room, exhausted.

"My heart went off," he said, racing out of control. The photo he posted to Facebook from that night shows him on a stretcher as paramedics raced to get him to a nearby hospital.

Given a lifelong history of medical problems, Cameron could be forgiven for feeling a little sorry for himself.

But what is most striking — both in person and in the comments he posts on Facebook and on his blog, Cameron Lives 365 — is his optimism.

"I've always lived with this condition," he said. "We all have to live with something, and this is it for me. I'm happy."

He graduated from high school with honors and took some college classes, although he has yet to graduate. He would like to write fiction for young adults, he said, or be a journalist.

A recent blog post seems to summarize his attitude about his life, a life he once thought he might miss out on.

"Maybe the trials in my life somehow helped people get their own perspective in life, and pushed them to reach for their goals," he wrote. "If in my life I achieve anything, I'd like it to be that my life helped someone else's life, and maybe made an impact." " -written by reporter Steve Jhonson

Treatment, Interview, friends oh my!

    I will just start off by saying today was sincerely a good day! A lot happened, and its right in the middle of all the christmas festivities, so it was definitely memorable. Today was treatment day had to have it moved since usual day was christmas eve. Luckily my best bro Triston whom I haven't seen in about a year due to his college life was able to take me. Also I got interviewed for the Chattanooga Times on my life and my weekly treatments. It should be published around Christmas i believe.
    The day started out normal Triston picking me up and got to the hospital, however once we got there the interview started, and basically I just answered about myself. We went over a lot of my life, so I'm curious to see what all gets put in. There was also a photographer there taking shots to go along with the article. Both the reporter and photographer were nice people, and easy to talk to.
    Triston and I played some games, he even won a few rounds i'll admit ha. Then we just took it easy with a movie called The Martian which i have to say was honestly good. Alas though all good times must come to an end as the IV pole so loudly reminded us when I was done. I was glad to see my friend though during the Christmas holiday.

You decide who you will be

    Alright so a subject has brought itself up to me twice within the last twelve hours from two different parts of my life, and honestly the lesson I feel should be shared. At church last night the subject was over the genealogy of Jesus, his family heritage, and how he had a few people down the line who were less than favorable. However despite their sins, or their family troubles they were still used for a greater good. Some didn't let their past define them, while others did. It's easy to to assume people will do things based on their past, but the truth is we always have the choice to choose to become the person we want to be, whether we are scared because of where we come from we aren't worthy, or thats all we will ever be. Or after choosing to change we slip up, and feel like we can't go back to trying.
    After I got home I got to see the Mid-Season finale of Once Upon a Time, and surprisingly it was also tightly focused on that same lesson, showing that no matter how hard we fall, we can still choose to end up choosing the right path despite whatever we have done, or whatever those who have come before us have done. I think it also showed how some people can't let go of who they were so even after redeeming themselves briefly they let themselves slip back to who they were.
    The bottom line is, don't let your past define you. Choose who you want your future to be, and be that person.

Tree Lighting ceremony

    So a while back I was nominated for one of T.C Thompson's Miracle children, and looks like I got it. Today got to attend a tree lighting ceremony at the hospital where all of the patients were honored. though to be honest we almost missed the ceremony as both my mother and myself wrote the date down wrong, but we made it just in time! It was kinda nice being in the spotlight I won't lie, even if I do get stage shy haha, plus I nearly tripped off the stage. but it was nice the tree was very festive.

    The miracle children are nominated I think based on their life experiences and attitude. I just try to be myself and enjoy what I can in life. Looking forward to getting to attend more events like this throughout 2016!

an open letter of hope

 ~This is an open post aimed for anyone who needs a little encouragement.~
    You are special, your life holds value, you matter to someone. There are days you may feel alone, like no one is with you anymore. There are times you might feel worthless, like you could easily be replaced. Also somewhere in the back of your mind you may just feel not good enough, no mater what you try you always come up short.
    Let me say that your feelings may very well be justified, maybe you are getting the raw end of a deal. However, everyones life holds value. It doesn't matter who you are, or what you've done. You still hold value in this life. I know feeling alone is hard, but sometimes we aren't looking close enough for the people around us, or we are simply ignoring the ones reaching out to us without even realizing what we are doing. You also have to accept someone can't be with you twenty-four seven, they have their own life to live, and by living it in no way means you are being prioritized less. Just be grateful to know them, and are able to say yes they are apart of your life. Finally I'm just gonna say you are good enough. Whatever you may be going through, you are good enough. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't. Also don't let yourself hold yourself back. You have to believe that you're good enough.
    Lastly Hope is there for everyone, any person can have hope. Believe me, even just believing through hope for the idea of a happy ending for whatever you are going through is a very powerful thing.

Thanksgiving 2015

    Well another Thanksgiving has come to pass, and thankfully I can say it was enjoyable. Time with family and friends was nice, and within twenty-four hours I packed in quite a bit.
    It started Wednesday actually with Kathleen and her boyfriend Win taking me to Treatment, and being joined later by Gracie, and our cousin Elizabeth. Once I was done with treatment we visited the Chattanooga zoo, then ended the night with our family thanksgiving dinner at mamaw Jo's. The following day was thanksgiving lunch at moms house, and then dinner at Big papaws and mamaw Lavada's.
      So I can honestly say I've had my fill of the traditional foods, this year I didn't go out for black friday lines, I sorta wish I had, as it gives me something to do.
    Being with people friends and family though is really what this holiday is about, being thankful and all that. I'm blessed, I don't really have to think about it to know that to be true.

Care a little less

    Recently I learned the weight of the lesson of not caring what other people think. While I still somewhat struggle with it, I have also learned to do more of what I want regardless of what some people may think. Life isn't meant to be spent always worried if you are about to do the wrong thing, its meant to be enjoyed. If you feel like you're constantly being judged I suggest you take a good look at who you surround yourself with, and remember you deserve to be treated in a good way.
    You miss out on a lot by always worrying, I know personally whether it's activities, hanging out with new people, or even trying a new restaurant, letting someone guilt you into being unsure is awful. So try and loosen up, and not care so much what people might think or say, it's your life not theirs, and you deserve to enjoy it.

change in perspective

    Lately it has been feeling like several people have left my life and moved on. For awhile I simply figured that the common denominator in each of the relationships was me. I was always the one who stayed behind, and I thought it in a negative way. My perspective was needing a change. Someone I talked with showed it to me in a new light.
    All those scenarios did have me meet some amazing people and become good friends, and yes it did seem like they ended kinda messed up on my end. However, I was told to look at it like after those people met me and got to know me, maybe they got inspired, and that is what got them to reach further and move on to better things for them in their life. Maybe I am where I need to be in my life to help reach out to people.
    I don't mean that in a conceited way whatsoever, I simply mean that maybe the trials in my life somehow helped people get their own perspective in life, and pushed them to reach for their goals. If in my life I achieve anything, i'd like it to be that my life helped someone else's life, and maybe made an impact.  

ignored

    I am just gonna say it. Treat people kindly. Especially if you care about this person. I really don't care if you are having a bad day, treat people with some sort of respect. Examples you ask? Reply to them, let them know if you're upset, and why if you are. Don't just disappear leaving someone to wonder what happened. For all they know you have decided to cut them off, when in reality you were just taking some personal time.
    I know personally it sucks to be ignored, sitting around wondering what you did wasting your day. People don't need much honestly though a simply reply letting them know things are ok or aren't, get rid of that uncertainty. Yes we all have bad days and they leak into other peoples, but shutting someone out is just not the answer.
    I get that sometimes people need space, but it won't kill you to give a quick heads up (lets be honest we all always have our phones up and running during that "me time" we just choose to ignore everything). If it's someone you honestly care about it shouldn't be that big of a hassle, and if it is maybe you don't care about them as much as you lead on.

Act my age

    You know some people tell me to act my age, that I need to grow up. Well I'm sorry if it offends anyone, but I'm not gonna change how I choose to see the world. I'm forever young at heart and I'm happy with that. Just because I am though doesn't mean I can't handle responsibility, or challenges. I think the fact I still am how I am despite everything I've been through is incredible i know for some people it would be enough to break them and thier view of the world. 

    I still try to see the good in others, I'm still trusting to a fault, and I always believe in the power of hope. I love going to Disney, and yes the thought of meeting characters excites me. I like shows full of drama, action, thrills, and magic. 

    Growing up maybe I missed out on getting to socialize and get out and do stuff more, or maybe the life expectancy we never expected to get passed a certain age, maybe a mix of both is what help lead  me to where I am now. However I can't honestly say i'd change those times because while they were hard they also showed me what true friends were. I do wish I'd started reaching out a little earlier though if I'd have been able to have more time with those individuals. 

    I'm simply myself, no one more no one less. For some people it's enough, and I know for others it might not be, and I do hate letting people down. 

Things are good

    You'd think with how long it's been since I've posted that I'd have a lot to say. Honestly though that's not the case. Lately not much has been going on, and while I may be stir crazy at times, I'm trying to enjoy it. Personally drama can stay on my tv shows I enjoy to watch (currently the fall lineup is; Once upon a Time, The Flash, Switched at Birth, Scream Queens, and of course I still watch my share of Gilmore Girls ha. All of the drama, action, and stress in my opinion can remain in those shows. 

    For the moment I'm stable I do have things lined up, so the still waters won't last forever, but instead of fighting them why not ride it out? Enjoy the little moments where you can breathe and relax. Soon I'll be trying to get a job, going to functions as a miracle child for my hospital, and Disney World is fast approaching, all followed by the holidays. 

    Things are good right now for the most part, I hope that things are going good for everyone else out there. I truly do. 

Almost off the edge

    Have you ever felt like someone or something was trying to push you closer and closer to falling off the edge? Maybe you feel that way right now. We all have breaking points, but we survive. Also guess what?  You're still standing tall, they or it didn't push you off. You managed to hold on and stay strong. 

    Sometimes we forget that part, through all the stress, heartache, and drama we forget to realize, we're still here and we are still ok. We are stronger than people give us credit for, and sometimes we're stronger than we give ourselves credit for. 

   So next time you can't get over how far you feel you got drove over the edge, remember whatever it was, you're still standing. It didn't beat you. 

Seventh poetry post ~Look back and Smile~

People are starting to worry for me

It's been six months, And I already miss my friend

The thoughts that scream dragging me down from inside my head 

Seem so loud, feel so loud

When I'm all alone on those days when my sky is gray

And I need a a little reminder of how things truly are

Instead of giving in an seeing how things are worse and couldn't get better 

I look back and smile 

Tell myself out loud those clouds of doubt hold no power over me

Distance may be between, but for matters of the heart 

Nothing's ever as bad as it seems 

People will try to knock me down, that's simply a fact of life

No matter who you are 

But I choose to ignore what they say

I look back and smile 

For in my heart I know what's true

With all my strength I will push through 

Holding on to what I know to be 

No longer am I second guessing 

Believing in hope I will survive 

Knowing your there

Knowing you care

I look back and smile 

Should have known

    Well an update on the scavenger hunt I had worried about. Turns out I didn't need to use the walker after all however, I asked a few peopl I trusted with their opinions on the idea, and they all agreed it was a good idea and not to let it hold me back. I talked to Beth among those few peoe and she informed me that the scavenger hunt was more different poses, or ideas for photos as opposed to different locations so, wouldn't be much walking. 

    I ended up taking my walking cane and it did the job just fine, and after the reactions of the guys in my small group I realized I had had no reason to think the walker would have been an issue.these guys I have been leading for years now and I think we they might actually like me at times lol. Most of them liked the stick, one even said he saw how it helped when he tried it. We got some good pictures and it was a great way to start off the year! 

Can't wait to see how this year unfolds in this part of my life! 

Another weekend

    Another weekend is happening, and honestly I'm ready for it to be over haha. You see last night was fun, I got to hang out with my BFFL kala. We played with my camera and sparklers, we are getting pretty good with this painting with light thing, it looks epic when you get a good shot.

    Tomorrow the Link starts back up at RBCC and while I'm really excited to get back to hanging with my group, I'm kinda anxious/nervous. You see to start off the year we are doing an Instagram scavenger hunt. And I might have to use my walker. I know what you're thinking "so what?". I haven't used a wheelchair or walker at the link in two years.. So it just feels like taking a step backwards. I'm just hoping no one looks at me differently. I wanna participate in everything, and while I wish I could do it like everyone else I have to make sure I don't hurt myself trying to keep up. I like to hide this things that are wrong with me as most everyone else does I suspect at times. 

    Guess I just gotta go with my head held high, and act like I don't care lol, conceal don't feel. I'm sure it will go over well, and I'm just overthinking this, I just hate that at times I still need a walker, or even a scooter. Some people joke saying what about the perks like at Walt Disney and honestly if I could stand up straight, and be able to stay up and wait in the regular lines I would prefer that. But that's just me lol. 

Breath out

    Have you ever been holding your breath, twiddling your thumbs, watching the clock go round in anticipation of an uncertain outcome? This past weekend I honestly can say I have, and I'm happy to report that everything turned out fine! It feels so good to finally just breath out. 

    But the waiting game is just painful, in my case things worked out, but sadly for some people the worst case scenarios do happen at times. So I wonder do those people ever get to breath out? Or do they have to keep holding it in?

    If you're going through something and don't have anyone to talk to, I can imagine that just makes it worse. No matter what the outcome turns out to be life will continue. Even writing that feels like a little bit lame, because when your in that place, you may not think that's possible, but it is. Things may not be exactly how they were before, but it will go on. Till one you day you can just let it roll off your shoulder and breath. 

Always judged

    You can say what you want, it's what's on the inside that matters, it's how you see yourself that's important, only person holding yourself back is you. While yes most of that is sincerely true, in this day and age there's more to it than what meets the eye. Because there are people who feel the need to flaunt their advantages, and why shouldn't they? Reverse the roll and I'm sure they actually feel like there are people better off than themselves. So for them I guess you could say it's defensive. Then there are the offensive people.. You know the ones that are highlighted in those over the top high school movies usually involving a dance and a queen bee? While the movies may be a little dramatic, there are people who actually look for ways to make themselves feel better while putting down those around them.

    With the media, and social networks we are constantly being judged, or at least feel like we are. There are those that can't get enough likes, follows, hearts, and then there are those left wondering why they don't get any. The sad part is ten years ago this wasn't even an issue. In this era though it feels like the stakes are higher than ever at times, our photos, our comments, everything we do virtually is judged. 

    What is the standards being based on? Well for starters I'll be honest looks are what is at the head of the ratings. Vanity is deadly, but it's also controlling, and people with what society defines as attractive, or pleasing to the eyes automatically get a boost ahead of us who lets just say don't lol. 

    The second thing that is judged is talent, and yes looks gets ranked over talent that's not any kind of news.  People with skills, like those that can sing, make music, create things with words, create things with art, and all the other skills out there those things help you stand out, and yes you're judged on them. Because just like you honestly have talent at writing that poem, or taking that black and white photo, there are thousands of others right there with you. 

    Lastly, and I mean lastly as if people actually stay around long enough to get to judge this part. Your personality. Who the real you is underneath all the other stuff. That light that shines from within that sparks into everything else. 

    It's easy to feel like someone is better than you in some area, odds are that they are. However odds are in an area you're better than them. But it's not about trying to outdo other people despite what our society has come to believe. Getting everyone to see that we are all equal, is a nice dream, but it's a long way away from reality. I'm not saying it's impossible as I've met truly sincere kind hearted people who have their hearts on their sleeves, proving what I always like to say "that there is hope, always hope". 

    So until that reality comes to be, other than ignoring things what can we do? Because sometimes you just can't ignore the issues you are facing.  That's when you have to do something most people have trouble with. Reach out and ask for help. You'd be surprised at who might show up.

Do I?

    Let's be honest I'm kinda different lol, I lead and interesting life at times. My medical file is a novel, physically I have some issues standing straight, and walking, mentally like other people I have self doubts. And despite all of this I wouldn't really ask to change my life. 

    Do I wish more people would have stayed around and not faded away? Yes, but it makes me value the ones who stayed even more (and no I'm not angry at anyone who did, I'm a lot to take on full time lol). Do I enjoy all the medical procedures? Not particularly, but everyone has some parts of their life that just aren't fun, and I think in some ways it's all made me tougher. Do I wish I had a more normal appearance, or at least what I picture in my mind of how I'd like to look? Yeah honestly, that's probably one thing at times I wish I could stand up perfectly straight and see how I look, but at the core I know we are all unique and best just the way we are. 

    Everyone one has parts of their life they may not like, but those parts help make us who we are, and I wouldn't wanna change that. 

R5 third year in a row!

    So after a long eventful day, I am just now getting home, and my bed has never felt better. Today I got to see R5 again in concert for the third year in a row! As well I got the chance to hang out with them again! It was their #SometimeLastNightTour Let me just say it was an epic show!

    My friend Kaelyn went with me, and we had the VIP experience. The concert was at the Verizon wireless amphitheater in Alpharetta, Ga.

    Geting to hang out backstage with them again was so much fun, and even though my hair wasn't blonde this time, they remembered me! (I think my walker is a giveaway though lol), but they were all sincerely nice, and welcoming. plus when they noticed my custom phone case they all seemed to like it. The line waiting to see them kinda drained me and I had some trouble standing for the photo, but I noted they had my back literally, and kept me supported!

    The show was great they played some of my favorite songs (Cali girls, Cant forget about you), and some from their new album that was released the same day! (They even told us how they ran by target to get their album, but it was sold out!). I love the new stuff too! (All night, Dark side, Lightning strikes). This bands music helped me get through physical therapy back when I was working on getting out of wheelchair, and they continue to just get better.

    I can't wait for the next show I get to see them! Also if you haven't heard them I seriously recommend you give them a try!

Fourth of July 2015

    Another Fourth of July is here, and with it comes the usually cookout/fireworks at Mamaw's with the other Watkins. We've got the fireworks ready, actually picked them up after treatment last week. Lately things have been pretty calm a few doctor appointments here and there, but really not much has been happening, but so much has been in the works getting ready lol. Tonights dinner for starters, then next week I'm going to see R5 in concert again! As well a Disney trip has been planned for October with Kala, and her family (I'm really looking forward to this trip!) So I guess all this calm time is just to let me get some rest so I can enjoy all thats coming up.
    Hope everyone has a safe, but fun filled Fourth of July.
   

Apparently I'm interesting

    So I went to see an orthopedic doctor about trying to help straighten me out so I can walk better, and walked away a little disappointed. "You, you are a challenge", and "You are interesting" were the phrases used many times during this visit. It made me feel like back when I was younger, and doctors wanted other doctors to examine me due to the rareness of my disease. Basically I have three fixable problems in my legs (primarily in my hips, knees, and ankles). The issue is that I have all three messed up at same time, and they are all connected, so fixing one could cause the others to collapse making me worse off than I am. I am proportionately unproportionate as he said.

    I could be worse off I know, but it still is kinda like a slap in the face when told they won't try anything. I don't wanna make myself worse, so i'll just accept that i am an Interesting challenge for now. Besides I've been told stuff would never happen before, and well look where I'm at now.

Fake it

    So I've learned sometimes it's better to sweep some things under the rug. Not letting them go, just not bringing them up to others anymore. Some things become obsessions and start to control us. We have to learn what is poison in our lives, and if we think it's worth it to keep with us. 

    Without meaning to we push people away with things were clinging to. That doesn't mean those things aren't important but, if you haven't found any solution it's just better to keep quiet. Possibly by just placing it aside and acting like it's not as big a deal, with time it will actually grow not to be. And by not focusing solely on it anymore maybe other doors will start to open for you to walk through. 

    Some things yes it's best just to toss, but I won't lie and say that everything should be trashed. Despite what others tell you one day you might be happy you never cut the cords entirely. So with those people when that subject comes up simply fake it, put on a masquerade  mask. People can only be pushed so far before they start to fade away from you. 

Haven't updated in awhile

    So I know it's been a while since I've posted. I broke my own rules I started caring about what others wanted or didn't want to read. Now while I truly appreciate anyone who reads this blog this a place for me it may not always be cheery, it might seem dull or redundant at times. But I can't help what's going on in my life at any given time. 

    Lately I have felt distant from people,im majority of the time by myself. Kala is around when she can be which is really nice but she has her own life to deal with and can't be here with my physically 24/7. Triston he's also busy with life but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him sometimes. Sometimes it feels like ppl just fade away. I know people come and go, but friends are together forever, it's just hard at times.

    One step forward and push people further away, I've finally realized this is my space to just open up and key out emotions that get bottled up. Yes I post updates on life events which is nice and good, but when you start letting others criticize writing it honestly starts to suck, the best writing is what comes naturally and freely.

Little lonely

    You know it feels like sometimes no one hears me. We have all this social media, and in theory it's supposed to connect us to each other. Really all it does is slowly divide us. Those who are worth following, to those who we choose to ignore. It's bad to feel alone, but it's worse to feel alone and then purposely ignored. 

    Lately it feels like I'm faded. I have two sincerely true friends that I know are always with me, and have my back, but I also know they have their own lives to live. I do see one of them more frequently when she's not working though so we find things to get into, the others a bit harder as he's on his own a good ways away, but I know we're best friends too. I don't feel like I've done anything of importance lately. I tell myself that it's just a break from everything I've came from, but sometimes I question just what did I really go through? 

   I miss hanging out with people, and yet medically I know I can't be free when others are at times. I feel like I've reverted back slowly and my walls are going back up. And just to clarify I like my life, and I'm happy, I'm just a little lonely at times lately. 

Like a tidal wave

(Just something that I wrote, a small poem) 

I haven't seen you in a hundred days

And as quick as you came you've already faded away

Should I be angry, should I be hurt,

or should I be grateful to finally end this curse

You have this sorta hold on me

I wonder if I'll ever be set free

But I'm always scared of losing you

So I never question the things you do

You came crashing in

My whole world was turned upside down

Like a tidal wave 

Now that you're leaving me

I can barely find the strength to breath.

I should've known from the start

That i'd be the one to drown

I've been thinking bout this upcoming storm

Don't think that I can try and hide it anymore 

Oh I have lost so much sleep

from this secret that I try to keep

Standing here as you go out on your own 

Thinking why am I the one who always ends up cheated 

Why do I always feel so down and alone

Oh yeah cause my history always ends up repeated

What can i do when my best isn’t good enough
And it feels like all that I touch crumbles down?
Cause all that I try 

Just seems to make a mess of things,

As the the pressure becomes to much 

Simply too much to bear 

I can't help but wonder

Did you ever truly care 

As I'm starting to fade

I can see your face

And a peace washes over me

For with all the bad came so much good 

You came crashing in

My whole world was turned upside down

Like a tidal wave 

Call back

    So yesterday I got to talk to one of my best friends who I haven't seen in awhile, on the phone, after missing the call while being asleep at treatment, and then hitting that call back button when I got home (gasp I know right? Feels like I never talk on the phone anymore). It's easier for me to text or write personally it helps me think about what I want to say and how. When on the phone I tend to bable or have word vomit where I just keep talking lol. Something I need to work on honestly.

    But anyway it was nice getting to hear from him. That's one of the pluses to phone calls, you get to actually hear the other person as if they were there beside you. It's nice to hear from people. Even if it's just to hear "hey hello how have you been?" It's a way they choose to show they care in my opinion.

One short day

    You know all it takes is one short day to change your life for the better, and yes One short day is the title of a song from Wicked and I've been playing it a lot lately like an anthem. What I get from it is that despite what we are going through is we have hope for a better tomorrow. 

    So I tell myself "that I'll be back for good one day, to make my mark and make my way!" and all it takes is one short day for everything to turn around.  One day I will make something of myself something that I can be proud of as well as the people I care about. 

Need perspective

    We can't always change things in life, we get the hand we are dealt, and have to find the best way to play the game. While I wouldn't change my life circumstances because I think it helped me be the person I am today, like everyone else I do wish I could change my appearance. My reflection I see overweight, unattractive face, disfigured body. 

    Looks aren't everything, and we do have to love ourselves for who we are, it's not always easy to love every part of ourselves. 

    I've reached out to a couple people this passed week trying to open up and talk about some of my issues, but instead of trying to help, I was turned away and dismissed as if the issues don't matter. I just wanna say if anyone ever comes to you to open up, all you have to do is listen, don't turn them away.

    It just at times feels like things are fading away, and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it. You can box up your problems "conceal don't feel" but if you can't discuss stuff with people is it really worth it?

    Everything has to find a way to be brought back into perspective because during the moment we lose that. But once it can be brought back into perspective usually things don't seem as bad as we thought. 

Road trip to disney March 2015

    So me and my BFFL Kala decided to take a weekend trip to seminole florida with my mom and step dad. It turned into a AWESOME disney trip. 

    After a long night of driving and a night in a hotel due from needing sleep, we made it to the condo and spent the afternoon at the beach.

    After we got back to room we went out to dinner with mom and step dad, then back to the condo to get to bed early. We woke up around 3am and made our way to disney world, we had reservation at the Caribbean beach resort. We got there way before check in and at 6am we lucked out and they had a room available. Thier system LILO was down so we couldn't get magic bands, but for our inconvinance they have us free complimentary park tickets with park hopper option!! Pixie dust so early in the trip!! We got our room key and dropped our bags in the room (which was an awesome room) and we made a beline for the bust stop! 

    We got to the Magic Kingdom a little after eight thirty and got in fairly easy. We did stop and rename a scooter, retrieved the disability pass, and then we tried to go get sorcerer of the magic kingdom cards but the commentary ticket couldn't be used for that function. So, I decided to run into the emporium and buy some magic bands since our resort couldn't give us ours. Not only did we get them I chose blue, kala chose gray. They linked them up for us, and let us keep them no charge ( more pixie dust!). 

    Finally all set we made our way down Main Street and into the central hub that had been remodeled and was looking sharp! 

    Honestly it was a great day full of great memories we rode everything we were wanting to, big thunder mountain four times, splash mountain four times, seven dwarfs mine train twice, space mountain, haunted mansion, voyage of the little mermaid, the train, the barnstormer, stitches great escape, monsters inc laugh floor. We met so many characters, like the Tremaines (cinderellas step family)  Donald and goofy, chip and dale, Ana and Elsa, and I finally found Peter Pan in the magic kingdom!! FINALLY! :) he loved my hat and shirt! (Actually I got quite a few compliments from ppl on my Peter swag lol)  ((been wanting to meet him in the park for years!! Hope to do it again as you should know by now he is my favorite)). Kala didn't enjoy him quite as well as he accidentally jumped on her foot /: 

    We also saw the spectrical of lights parade which was awesome my camera got some good shots (really like that camera lol). Finally we made our way back to our room for a well deserved rest.

    The second day was much more relaxing day at disney we loaded our car and went back to magic kingdom since we still had our ticket left and we wanted to see the festival of fantasy parade since we accidentally missed it the last day. It was so worth seeing we honestly never left Main Street while waiting I did go and meet tinkerbell!! She was so sweet and funny I liked interacting with her! 

    Afterwards the parade started and like I said it was totally worth coming back to see since we could, and I had been wanting to see it since I first heard about it. The costumes are amazing, the floats and characters are all just wow factors my favorite is the sleeping nudity scene with the Makefivent dragon. Seriously best parade from disney! 

    Before we left I ran and got a Starbucks you are here series mug that are exclusive to disney parks. Each park as its on design that can only be bought in its respective park.

    After we made our way back to the car, swung by the condo to get the rest of our things and made our way back to Dalton lol. It was a really quick trip but it was so worth it and can't wait for another lol

Dnow 2015 #NowYouSeeMe

    As a leader this was my fourth Dnow for rock bridge student ministry, and honestly I have to say it was awesome! We had an amazing illusionist Bryan Drake, a cool spoken word performer Tal, an awesome worship singer Casey Darnell, and a great speaker! 

    The thing I love about Dnow is the bonding. For three days you are surrounded by friends you love like family, you feel a sense of belonging. That's a really good feeling, and it always hurts when it's over. My boys this year were ninth graders I started back when they were just entering student ministry at sixth graders, and I had just graduated from the student ministry myself. 

    For my small group I hope, and pray I'm affecting their life, that I'm helping make a difference for them, and that they like me, and want me a part of their life. And know just how much I love, care, and pray for thier protection. 

    The biggest impact on me was the prayer event on the last night of Dnow. Each row recieved a packet containing cards with prayers and instructions  (each rows pack was shuffled) on how to pray each specific prayer. Standing, pointing, whispering, speaking kneeling, touching one beside or near you. The first person in the row would do the first card then pass it to the person next to them, eventually the whole row would be performing one of the prayers  it was an awesome experience. And everyone participated.

    For our mission project we helped clean up miracle field, and the grounds of the Dalton Shriners club. 

    This Dnow was truly a great one, on every level. Can't wait for the next one! 

Cyberbullying not a joke

    It happens every day. In the time it took you to read just this far, over one thousabd people have been hurt by it. Cyberbullying is real, and it's not going away. Its's not something you can shrug off, or tell someone to simply ignore it. Once it's out there, it's there forever. Little snipes can start a snowball of damage, or even just hurt the victim far more than the bully intended to, but that's no excuse.
    In this day and time we are surrounded by social media, statuses, updates, pictures, videos, are all being posted online. Honestly these bully hold so much power probably without even realizing it at times, but the sad thing is they are cowards. They hide behind their computers, even fake profiles when they start up their games. I can honestly say I've personally been the victim of cyberbullying on pictures I've posted. It hurts. Especially when it's someone you've never met, or even chatted with. They took the time to troll your account and find something to make fun of.
    Personally I delete the picture or the comment, then there's the wonderful BLOCK button. If you see someone getting attacked online you shouldn't just read it, call the bully out, and be like why are you being such a jerk? I know the last time I had a friend call out the creep, and he never responded. So they can be shut down. It's ok to feel hurt when it happens don't let anyone tell you otherwise, but after that's when you've gotta shake it off.
    Cyberbullying can be just as harmful if not more than regular bullying. It can cause so much more mental problems in the victim leaving them feeling alone, and where they eventually stop reaching out to other people, or grow to expect the worst out of everyone. If people would start spreading love and kindness instead of hate, and insults the internet would be a lot more of a safe fun place. If you find it fun to do any form of cyberbullying or feel the need to bring others down for a laugh maybe you need to talk to someone because you have some issues.

Something nice

    So last night I recieved an interesting text message, and it came at a time I really needed it. It was someone telling me I had their trust, and that I didn't bug them. I know phrased like that to most it don't sound that interesting, but to me, it meant so much. 

    I don't interact too much with other people at times out of fear im annoying so I tend to stay on the sidelines keeping quiet. (However for those who need me I'm always there for them). Sometimes it takes me a little time to think of what I want to say, and by the time I'm ready the subject has changed. I sincerely hope when I'm quiet I don't come off in a negative way. I'm lucky though I've had people push through and get me to open up, and we ended up being the best of friends.

    Anyways back to the text it was just really nice to hear that someone trusts me, and that they actually liked talking with me. Might sound silly I guess, but when you always question people's true thoughts about you, clarification is always a welcome

What a Wicked night!

    So I am just getting in from one of the funnest nights I've had in 2015 so far!! I got to go and see Wicked the musical in the fox theatre of Atlanta, with my cousins Kathleen, and grace, as well as my uncle Jerry, and Aunt Angela! 

    This was my second viewing of the show, the first time was in New York City off Broadway! I have to say it was just as perfect as I remember it. When I found out it was touring I was so excited and as luck would have it I got the opportunity to go!! 

    To me Wicked is one of the best stories, while I have read the novel and enjoyed it, I also love the play! The storyline and music altogether tells a story trying to define what makes someone wicked. And accepting people despite the fact they are different. "It's not lying, it's looking at things another way" -Fiyero to Elpheba when she tells him he doesn't have to lie and say she's beautiful. (Personally one of my favorite quotes from the show). It's also about not accepting limits just because people are telling you to, that anyone can defy gravity. For some reason I strongly relate to the show and I defenatly want to see it again in the future!

    I of course snuck some pictures of the show, we honestly had a great time and if you hadn't caught on, I highly recommend seeing Wicked if you haven't yet!

How you're seen

    Have you ever noticed how in our society if you don't look, or act a certain way people don't find you worthy. "Why does no one ever look at me like that?" We ask ourselves daily. I know personally that I'm smart, funny, and loyal to a fault. Yet in this day and time none of that matters. I'm not the one everyone swoons over, I'm not the one anyone envys, I'm the one that gets passed by again and again.

    It's easy to say looks aren't everything. They honestly aren't in the long run. But you can't say that looks don't hold power over people. Because they sadly hold a lot of influence over people. It's to the point where now people are setting themselves lower to other people. Or hurting themselves trying to improve thier image.

    Things need to change, but it's gonna take more than words it's gonna take more than a few actions

    Self image needs to be lowered on priority lists, because people are missing out on great relationships. Thankfully I have some selfless people in my life. But there is still a sting when trying to reach out and you get shut down just because of how you look.

    I guess if I could say anything it'd be give everyone a chance. You might regret not later on in life.

One of those days

    Sometimes we're all gonna have days that just don't go over to well. You know those days where you sorta hit your breaking point, and boil over. Honestly it's probably healthy especially if you're like me and tend to keep everything bottled up. Those freak outs are your bodies way of getting out all that bottled up emotion. However, we still have to deal with the aftereffect of our actions during the blow out. It's only natural when you're upset, and hurting to lash out at people.
    So if you upset anyone try to make amends, but wait until you're completely over your little episode just to be safe. If freezing someone out sounds like a really good idea, you probably aren't ready to reconcile quite yet. Also remember like I said at the beginning we all have those days, and eventually we will all have another. So don't let it get you too down when you boil over.

Tiniest of shards

    You know sometimes even the most optimistic, well put together person has thier bad times. Thinking back I'd have to say the people who look like the best probay have the most pulling them down. Our society has taught us to put on a show, and wear masks to hide what's really going on. It's seen as a sign of weakness. 

    It's the little things though that have the potential hurt us. The tiny shards that hold the power to break us. We can shrug off the big stuff, but when we are alone those shards can hit nerves or breaking points. 

    Those times are hard to get through, but it can be done. I just know that eventually to many of them can leave you feeling empty. I do believe that they come in phases, and during the inbetween things continue on normal and fine. 

    Just really all I can say is reach out to people, whether you think they need it or not.

Come and go

    Sometimes I wonder why some people come into our lives while some people disappear. Others become a part of you. Some friendships feel like they will last forever while others end way too fast. I've sadly learned that not every friendship is meant to last forever. However, what does last forever is the pain when that person is gone.

    This can be a hard lesson to learn, and even harder to adapt to once you've learned it. Losing someone is never easy, some are harder than others though. Once you know the pain of losing someone you might start to worry about the people who are left (especially if there's not many).simetimes losing someone can make you a little paranoid. Then you feel that you're losing something really important to you, and that freaks you out more, and then you try to hold on a little too tightly to them. When really you weren't ever losing them to begin with. I know it sounds crazy, (and insanely hard) but sometimes the best thing you can do is give people space. Let them come to you for a change.

    The bottom line is we've all gotta accept that people come and go from our lives, (and it's really hard to accept sometimes) but the people who want to stay will. 

Never fading out

    Sometimes it feels like we're stranded alone on a desert island. From a glance people would think we are waiting on a rescue team to find us, but we manage to keep surviving and no matter what is thrown our way we keep on thriving. Our light is never fading out.

    We have to keep hope that there is always a better tomorrow despite whatever's going on today. I choose to live that way, that despite the occasional hurt, loneliness, and grief I choose not to snuff out my light that shines. People say you can't hurt and have hope at the same time. I say that we are all human and pain effects everyone, but it only allows you to give up on hope if you let it. Feeling emotions is normal no matter what anyone says or will say. 

    I don't know about you, but for myself I don't want my light ever fading out. Because I see it as when the light is gone, that's when the real troubles will start.

My guardian angel works overtime.

    I am honestly sincerely blessed in my life, I have a guardian angel who works overtime protecting, and blessing me. Some people would question my saying this. Honestly it's a "how you look at it" view. Some people see the illness, and all the doctors and think how could I ever consider that a blessing. 

    Well to start with despite it all I'm still alive I find that worth celebrating in itself, I've had a lot of medical procedures start to go south but I still managed to pull through. Then I've been in several accidents and every time I've managed to walk away almost completely unscratched. I definitely have someone watching out for me.

    As for my condition? Yes I have issues, but in this thing we call life show me someone who doesn't have any issues! We all have obstacles in our path at times, but that doesn't mean we should give up, we just need to find a way around them. I'm walking, I'm living life (defying gravity) you might say. 

    I've been blessed a wonderful caring, helpful, and supportive family. People who drop thier schedule to help me when I need it. A mom, dad, stepmom, step dad, brother, sister in law, cousins, aunts, uncles, a nephew, nieces, grandmothers and grandfathers. Family is one big thing I'm blessed with for sure. 

    I've also been blessed with some truly extraordinary people who've found their way into my life, and included me in theirs. While not everyone reached out to me there were some diamonds in the rough I've been fortunate enough to be able to call friends and even best friends, or BFFL's. I firmly believe people need friends to survive life. No one can survive going through isolated.

    Sure I've had some bad experiences, and I haven't completely broke free of the medical life, but I can't say I'm not blessed. My life is unique, and honestly I wouldn't change it if I had the choice. The path my life is taking me, I wouldn't wanna risk losing the people I know now for the chance to change everything.

    Life is how you look at it, and what you make of it. I'm choosing what I've learned, and that's hope is always around the corner. 

Clarity stronger than you think

    Sometimes we are hurting, and sometimes it's simply because we don't know that we truly have the things we are so badly wanting. Doubts try to get us to forget the truth of what we know, and holding on to truth can be hard, so when we finally have someone show us the clarity of the situation it can have a big impact. Usually it' little things like wanting to know someone will be there when we fall, or that someone won't disappear on us. We can't expect reassurance, and clarity to hit us everyday, but when it does we have to hold on to it along with the truth. We can't let fear, and doubts wash away what we know.
    If you have the clarity you need hold on to it tightly, and if you haven't gotten it yet be patient, I can honestly say that if its meant to be, you will receive it. Its funny how a simple act can wash away someones doubts and fears so easily. When not but, the day before it was crippling the person. Sadly we have to understand clarity may not ever be shown in some situations, and we have to be prepared for that. Just trust your instincts, ask God to help you calm down, and show you which way will lead you out.

Where do we stand

    Sometimes we can't help but wonder where do we stand with some people. With some people it's written on their face, while others.. you can't always see their face so, how can you read them when you can't see them? I'll be honest I tend to read stuff into things that more than often aren't really there. The sad truth is that we can't always know what people are thinking. So how do we know where we stand with some people? Aside from flat out asking, I'm personally at a loss. With some people that option falls flat, because if you didn't truly have problems before you asked, chances are you more than likely will after. Nobody wants someone who's clingy, or who can't go a day without hearing from them without jumping to the worst conclusions. I guess you have to trust what you know to be true, and ignore those doubts. I'll be honest again, it's hard to just let go when all you want is some clarity. One last thing that I guess I should say is if it's really bothering you, and you still can't bring yourself to confront them without having the fear of losing them from your life, ask yourself do you really have them as a part of your life?
    Also just remember from time to time, let the people in your life who matter to you know just how much they matter to you.