Disney world (pirates and pals)

    Ok so yesterday was amazing, even though today I'm completely drained, and sore. As the title states, yes I die make it to Disney World, and why no I didn't go in to an actual theme park I managed to explore and have an excellent day.

    I started off in downtown Disney shopping district (Tip: free admission as well as free parking!) the first store I went to was D-street the vinylmation store, and instead of buying a new one I had simply brought one of the ones I owned but didn't like too much and was able to trade it! I ended up with a 40th anniversary one it was very nice. After that I looked in the art stores that have amazing paintings and reprints as well as sculptures. Finally I got to go in the days of Christmas store (it's a seasonal shop, yet it remains open all year and has every holiday item you could want. 

    After that I headed to the busses and visited some of the resorts: contemporary they had abeautiful Christmas tree made entirely of gingerbread. Grand Floridian was a very elegant old time resorts their tree displayed bird cages it was interesting, but it worked. Behind the tree though was an actual gingerbread house, one you could walk through! I haft to fight the urge to take a bite lol. 

    After that I went back to downtown via bus and went into the world of Disney store the largest Disney store in the world (I was gpod and just window shopped lol). I was starving at this point so I made my way over to planet hollywood where I had the best chicken I've had in awhile , and yes I had a huge dessert. After I needed a break so I decided to sit in front of the fountain and I noticed a group of people my age, yet they were all signing. Honestly thought it was cool. 

    Anyway I got a wrong bus and ended up at port Orleans didn't have much time since my right bus came as soon as I got off, and it took me to Epcot. Got my picture in front of the ball, and hoped on the monorail back to contemporary.

    There I was taking part in the pirate and palls firework voyage. Once I got there I checked in and a small group of ppl including myself went into a room where icecream, cake, cotton candy, beverages, and a few other snacks were waiting just for us. After everyone had started eating Captain Hook and Mr. Smee came out to meet us. Then after everyone had got their pictures we split up into two groups team hook or team Smee (I was in Smee). Then we went to the docks where we all boarded 1 of 2 boats. The boats took us out into the seven seas lagoon where we got to watch the electrical water pageant up close. Then we kept on they sang songs and had pirate trivia. But then we stopped right in front of the Magic Kingdom just in time for a waterside viewing of the firework show! It was amazing!then the boats made their way back to the docks, but there was one surprise left. We were told to close our eyes and believe in magic and then Peter Pan appeared on the docks waiting for us. Once everyone disembarked we all went and got to meet Peter (that has been on my Disney bucket list for a looong time!). 

    Then it was time to say goodbye and grab a bus back to downtown and get to my car then finally I made my way home 

    Thinking back about all I did and was able to do I was very thankful. I'm getting better a little each day and while I'm not 100% great I'm getting stronger, and aren't letting anything hold me back from living!

Ready to go for Christmas

    Alright so the last few days I've had the crud. Felt awful sinus problems sore throat it was awful. Finally I'm feeling better and just in time for the Christmas celebrations. At treatment today due to Christmas being Wedensday and I'm leaving for Florida that day!! That's right my mother, step dad are all heading to FLORIDA for Christmas, and yes a quick trip to Orlando has been discussed:)

    So praying I am getting better because I'm ready to enjoy this Christmas season! 

The way we are

    I honestly hate the way people are taught to act. Our world showcases the famous, the people who look good. If you aren't a celebrity or good looking your told you won't get anything in life. People hire based on looks, the tv shows we watch are all ful of people who the media have deemed exceptional. Yet when you look around at your own life it can seem dull and empty compared to what is shown.

    Let's be honest though, at least I will. I wish I looked better I wish I was slimmer, had less fat around my face, and if like a few muscles. We all wish for things about us we could have improved, honestly I think everyone does, even if some keep it secret.

    I don't think looks should be the center point in what controls the world. Everyone holds value equal to all others no one is above anyone else, just like no one is below anyone else. In this day and and age if you don't look a certain way we give up on certain people because we  see ourselves as not good enough for them, or they could never want us. Why does it have to be that way? Why can't it not only be like that in the movies and tv shows, why can't reality be just as good? 

    People need to learn that looks don't matter, not everyone can control how they look and you shouldn't. People are perfect the way they are. If we all looked the same, it'd be pretty dull lol.

Gifts throughout Christmas time

    Well I just recieved my first gift of the season!! And it was given to me by one of my best friends (which says a lot outside my family I haven't recieved a gift that were just sincere). Honestly it was one of the best gifts I've recieved. It was a wallet, and a hat. To some people that may not seem like much, but to me it's awesome. They are personal items that I can use daily.

    As for me when I go shopping for other people I love trying to find gifts like that. Things that they can use and are personal. Not things that are fun and amusing at parties, yet get thrown out a week after Christmas. 

    Gift cards are a last minute go to gift in my opinion they lack personality and basically say I couldn't take time to think for you. They are nice don't get me wrong but they are truly impersonal gifts. Yet at the same time they can be just what someone truly wanted (I'd never turn one down)

    All in all remember that the best thing you can give someone is your time, trust me the people who you care about most would love that.

When our good isn't good enough

    Let's admit it, we've all had times when we feel like we wish we could just run away from a ship that's going under. We try everything with the best of intentions, but everything we try makes things worse. 

    Sometimes our good isn't good enough. What do we do when that happens? Do we give up? Because looking back it seems every time we try to fix the broken pieces we just shatter them more. 

    Honestly sometimes we just have to realize some things are truly out of our hands, and all we can do is hope for the best. It's not easy, and it's not ideal, but it's life. We take the good with the bad. 

    

Greatest enemy

    Who is out greatest enemy? The one who can hurt us the most, the one who can see and knows all the flaws we try to hide. It's none other than the person staring back at you from behind the mirror. Yourself.

    It's funny but most of us would think our greatest enemy would be another person, but if you stepped back you might see how true it is that it's ourself. Our doubts uncontrolled have the power to burry is if not kept in check. We know the flaws we fear about ourself that others don't. And no one is more critical about anyone than they are about themselves. 

   So remember the person who can hurt you the most is yourself, you know all the right buttons to push, and at times won't hesitate to push them. 

6th poetry post ~Why~

You can’t read my mind

you can’t see all the things that i hide

and no matter what I try

I just cant figure out why

why do i listen to 

the words that come from glass

and why do i even care

the past is the past

why do i push people away

why wont i let my heart have a say

and why do I have to fake a grin

why cant I just let people in

is there something wrong with me

is this an abnormality 

why am i so scared of letting go

of all these questions i may never know

Not a child

    Sometimes we feel like we're not a child anymore. That we can take care of ourselves.  That we can't let people see us cry. Sometimes we just don't have anyone to go to, or the people we normally do, we just don't wanna bother with what's going on in our lives. We can feel isolated when we try to hold on to everything by ourselves, but that's what we think were supposed to do.
    I think it's terrible when you feel like you have no one to turn to, especially if they've made it clear that they would rather you not inform them of the bad things going on in your life. Everyone needs someone, that's how this world works, you can't survive it alone. Yet we're taught that once your older your on your own.
    It's not wrong to care about others, usually most people are only looking for someone to listen to them, but sadly some people won't care. Don't be those kind of people, sadly there is enough already out there.

It's finally here!

    The month we've waited all year long for is finally here, December! That means Christmas is in the air. I love everything about christmas the weather (I enjoy the cold but just yesterday it was 76 degrees outside not that frosty weather I've come to love), the food, the lights and decorations, giving and receiving gifts, and just being with people during the Christmas holidays!
    I have done most of my shopping and only have a couple things left to pick up, love going to the malls, and stores at this time. The houses have been decorated, so now its time to just sit back and enjoy the season. However, I am one of those people that stresses offer gifts. Not receiving, but giving. I'm always worried the person may not like his/her gift. Especially if they asked for something specific, and after searching everywhere coming up empty handed, and having to get something else. Just gets me a little nervous to see their reactions.
    Of course we all need to remember the reason for the season, Jesus's birth. Sometimes its easy to get lost behind everything else the holiday brings, but without that fact we wouldn't have anything to celebrate.

Don't fade away

    I am the person who is constantly taking picture, (whether it be with my phone, or camera) and I know it can get on people's nerves at times. I don't try, or intend for it to. I like to take pictures to capture moments. Whether it be scenery, or someones face. The elements and season can change how things look as well as a persons emotion.

    The moments were living in won't last forever, most don't even last a little while, so if you can preserve them somehow I don't see the harm. I don't wanna forget things. 

    Sadly memories with time can also start to fade, a picture however can last forever, and it never changes or gets distorted. With memories over time they tend to change some, or simply fade away. 

    However, I do apologize to the people I annoy with my constant snaps of the camera. Still if you don't mind try to smile 

Pretty hectic

    Things have been pretty hectic this week, yet given the fact it's a holiday week, it's to be expected I guess. I've had a dinner practically every night. Sunday I went out with my 8th grade boys small group for bowling. We had a good time I think. (Hard to believe its my third year with them, starting back from when they were 6th graders).

    Sadly I didn't do so great on my final, I am upset however, I'm gonna try not to stress about it too much. This week Triston is taking me to treatment (he's becoming a regular ha) on Wedensday due to thanksgiving being on Thursday. Hoping that the weather will be ok for us. Honestly I'm really thankful he's willing to take me, and for his friendship.

    Thursday I do plan on going shopping that evening for Black Friday sales (for the record I don't enjoy the fact they are on Thursday but luckily I can go without missing any family events).

    So far things have been fairly good, haven't been sick lately, been feeling pretty good most of the time, and getting excited for the Christmas time.

Thankful

    So Thanksgiving season is here! Food, and giving thanks is what it's all about. So I'm gonna just write down the things that I am truly thankful for:
    My friends, I have some of the best friends there is. It's true that quality is always better than quantity. You don't need several great friends when you just have a few. I know they will always be there for me. They have never treated me differently for having an illness, yet at the same time they always look out for me.  I will always try to help them when they come to me, and I never want to lose them.
    My family, they are truly amazing. I have a large family, and that is a nice thing. They too have been great while I grew up, and was dealing with all the medical stuff, they never showed anything but love, and that's all you can ever hope for. I honestly would not trade my family for another.
    The technology I'm privileged to have, in this day and time, so many people take for granted all the gadgets we have. I'm thankful for everything I have, my car, my computer, my phone, even my video game consoles. I know without them I'd probably be lost for a few days lol.
    My books, I love books, that is no secret, and I'm so thankful for all the books I posess. I'm also thankful I'm fortunate enough to have so many, I love to reread books, so it's nice to be able to just go to my room and have them there waiting. I know not everyone has that privilege.
    My God and Savior, I'm very thankful for my god, he is the reason for everything I'm thankful for in my life. He has alway been with me through everything, and he isn't going to ever leave me (how can you not be thankful for that?). He put me in my church where I've met so many true sincere people, and gave me purpose.

    I have so much to be thankful for, and remember it doesn't have to be thanksgiving day to start being thankful, that's something you can do all year long.

Care for others

    When someone comes to you with a problem, or is upset you should try and be sincere, and care about them. Those people might be struggling with something, and they sought the courage to be able to trust you with their problems. Yes everyone has problems going on in this world, and no one has a monopoly on pain, but you need to remember your low times and how you felt. How would you feel if you finally tried to seek out someone only to be told "please drop the poor me attitude".  I know it hurt me. 

    We as people should always care about others pains. I can't stand it when people act as if it's the most awful thing in the world, or honestly could care less about someone trying to express what they are going through. Especially when those people always try to look out for others. 

    So try to always be kind, and show empathy towards others, we all need it from time to time. Also try not to ever ignore someone, especially when they are down, you could really hurt them when they are already down.

Live with, and deal with

    Someone once told me "you can't lose what you never had, you can't keep what's not yours, and you can't hold on to something that doesn't want to stay". That sort of hit me like a slap in the face, while yes it rings true, it's not all black and white, yet when hearing that it kinda is. If your scared of losing someone as in your scared they will leave you, then maybe you never really had them in the first place. It's about trusting in what you have, and not letting things cloud your judgement on the truth. 

   Don't let someone fool you though, just by having doubts doesn't automatically mean there is a problem. Doubts sadly are a last of life that we have to learn to live with and deal with. And while it dosent always work out the way wee hope the phrase " a true friend will always be your friend no matter what may stand between you" rings true too. 

Look around

    Look around, what do you see? for example I see windows overlooking a street, a stairwell, and an elevator.  Sometimes we are alone, yet sometimes we may only think we are. We get so caught up with our own personal lives that we usually pass people by without even noticing. However, we sure seem to notice if we're passed by, or overlooked.
    I know it's hard to break out of the cycle we've got going for us, and especially when we honestly just have too much going on, but still try and keep an eye out for people who might be in the background. You never know what simple acts can bring someone else (trust me I personally know).
    I guess all I'm saying is, just always to keep an eye out, and not get too self involved.

Maturity?

    How does one measure maturity? I mean I look at myself, and I don't always think I'm the most mature person around. I have friends who are younger, and friends who are older, yet I see both groups with people who seem more mature than me. I'm currently 21, but mentally I think I'm younger, why im not sure. Maybe it's because for all the medical stuff I had to put life on hold, and in some ways grow up faster, yet now that things in the med field have slowed down, that part has been trying to catch up.
    I don't think age has everything to do with maturity, nor do I think anything is wrong. I'm into Disney, I like pop music, fantasy stories, I'm creative, I sometimes have trouble getting into deep discussions (but I put my two cents in when I can). People are all different, so it makes sense we're not all mature in the same areas, I also think that I'm still a kid at heart, and maybe that plays into this.
    Also with everyone in my life I've learned that another reason we're all different is because it helps us fit together, we work together, like someone's weakness could be someone else's strength, and vice versa. So I don't think there is a accurate way to measure maturity, but whether you are or not, either way your just the way you should be.

Halloween, tricks, and masks

    Halloween the day full of tricks and treats, treats that turn into tricks, and masks that reveal who we want to be, or sometimes even the person we are hiding from everyone.

    A mask can do so much it can take away your identity and let you fade away into someone else. You can also mask away your true feelings and doubts hide them behind a mask where you look perfectly fine, no one the wiser. 

    But how do you know just who wears a mask, and who is being true to themselves? Sadly we can't tell what people are thinking so we don't know who cares and who is just playing a game.  

    Halloween can be fun because it gives everyone an excuse to wear a mask and the odds of knowing the truth rise even higher. 

    While it may not always be easy, you have to trust in your judgement that you've seen past all the tricks and masks and know who you surround yourself with. I get that it can be hard when the doubts surface (honestly I do), but I've also learned the nights may be rough however, if you can remember good memories then you have something to hold on to. Keep a hold of that and you'll be fine. 

    Hope everyone had a safe yet fun Halloween! 

3:28am Thoughts

    So things are still busy, but I guess that's a good thing (honestly could use a break though ha). I've been thinking tonight how sad it is that how hard we work for something, eventually it goes away. I mean we all know nothing lasts forever, but it seriously sucks how quickly you can lose something important to you. I think though it's worse when you see it coming, and your just waiting. However, not seeing it coming can be a cruel slap in the face. 

    Sometimes it makes me wonder then why do we try? Is it because at the moment we don't think about the ending because we've barely started the beginning? And would knowing the ending make us do things differently? You have to fight for what you want, but sometimes it won't be enough, but at least you tried. You showed that it was valued by you. We hold on to other people, and things so tightly sometimes because were scared that once they are gone will have to start over in a way. That can be scary I think. Especially if you didn't have it so great before, you'll know what you'll have to go through. 

    I think generally everyone is strong, but I think were also attacked daily from all areas. The worst is when you've been hit everywhere except your weakest link. That means that your pretty much a sitting duck target. Because the things you hold on to when that's hit are already damaged themselves so your worst area gets hit, there's a good chance that could break any person. But if that happens it's ok, you take some time pick up the pieces, and try to move on. 

   I know this was a lot of random thoughts tied together lol so thank if you made it all the way to the end! 

Update

Been awhile since I posted, sorry! Things have piled up, one grandma had a surgery on her shoulder and I moved in with her to help out. Last week I had a ear infection (that was no fun). And then another grandma fell and is currently in the hospital with a lot of problems so please keep her in your prayers. I've also started my 3rd online course so hopefully that goes well.

Just a short post with updates for now. 

Fall retreat 2013

    Ok so this weekend I went on the RBSM (Rock Bridge Student Ministry) fall retreat, and it was a blast (tiring, yet very fun).

    Our theme was The Hunger Games and I think it went over really well. We were sorted into different districts (16 in all) mine was district seven, color yellow, and I had about 8 girls and 2 boys as well as a second leader, I think we all got along pretty good. (At nights when we returned to cabins we went back to our grade level so I was bunking with the eighth grade boys whom I've been with since they were in sixth. 

    We had game day which was exhausting but really fun, full of challenges, and activities. 

    Our lesson to take home was to forgive, and let things go. Which honestly are important traits to have.

    I think I did well I tried to keep up with my district and group, but by end of trip I was pretty worn down, and sore. 

    A lot of good memories were made, and I could tell that people did care that I was there, and that some were watching out for me, which at times is good to know. So all in all I say that even though I'm a little scratched, bruised, and burnt it was a really good weekend.

Finally home!

    Ok so today was a long day.. Starting with being woke up at 3am by the fire alarm in our hotel going off. So gues who had just had a spinal tap and had to walk down the stairs from the top floor? Me that's right. No one was harmed, it turned out just to be someone's stove was left on. After 20 minutes we we're let back into our room.

    The flights back were pretty smooth yet, my ears did pop, and were sore. I did have a slight headache on and off as well. 

    But we're home, safe and sound kind of weirded how quickly it came to pass and now it's over. Honestly though I'm glad to be back.

Lumbar puncture

    Yup today was spinal tap, lumbar puncture to be preciese. Just gonna say it was not fun. It went smoothly at least the doctors said it did, so that's a good thing. It did hurt however. After I had to be observed for a couple hours, and I managed to eat some lunch (Chinese)

    Little sore, and a slight head ache (which they said would be normal). Gonna try and rest some. Head home tomorrow, I'm glad the worst part is over.

Where the procedure took place.

IQ testing day

    Today was mostly testing my IQ. It was delayed an hour so for half an hour I laid in the waiting room watching an episode of Gilmore Girls. Then I talked dad into letting us quickly go to one of the cafeterias and found a sandwich and milk for a small lunch.

    The testing was long, some parts were interesting, though some just made my head hurt. A lot of mental problems and trivia. I should get the results in a couple weeks. Hopefully I did well. 

    Tomorrow morning is the big kahuna. Scheduled for 9 am. I'm a little nervous (ok quite a bit nervous), but I think we are going to Applebee's for dinner later tonight, gonna rest a little first though ha.

Meeting the staff

    Today was first day at the hospital I got to see Dr Munzer and my old nurse heather both from the original clinical trial that started elephrase. I also got to meet the new nurses and staff involved in the new trials.

    I had to get labs, bloodwork and a few exams done. The blood sadly had to be drawn from a vine and not my port. That wasn't fun lol. Then mostly we just went over the details and I signed some forms. 

    After we ended up going to red lobster for endless shrimp (love red lobster) and dad surprised me by getting the band R5 new album LOUDER from target. So today was good all in all lol.

The hospital 

The new R5 album LOUDER dad got me.

UNC travel nightmare

    Well so I can honestly say the trip up to UNC was not a walk in the park. The flights were both delayed, that alone wouldn't have been bad. However, once we got to Raleigh we realized our itenerary only had the flight info. No rental car info, or hotel info.

    We had left the house around 3:30pm and didn't arrive to ralliegh until about 9:30 that night. We tried calling but we got voicemail due to it being so late I guess. Then the emergency number connected us with someone from the UK.. Finally I just gave dad the phone vanf after an hour of him on the phone we got the info, and headed to get the car. Then we finally managed to figure out which specific hotel we were staying at, and we ended up in our room at about 11:30pm. 

   So yes it was quite a day, and it's only just the beginning lol

The car we got a red Charger :) I was very happy with it lol

Getting ready to go back to UNC

    Well i'm starting to get ready for the trip back to UNC. It looks like its going to be monday september 23rd- friday september 27th. Am I getting nervous? A little honestly. It will be nice to see my doctor and nurse again, but i'm honestly not looking forward to the lumbar puncture, and i'm hoping everything goes smoothly.
    I will keep updates as the trip progresses, but currently the lumbar puncture is scheduled for thursday, they have a few things that have to be done and checked before I get that done.
    Like i've mentioned before this is voluntary I could say no and it would just disappear, but there aren't too many people who are eligible, and part me feels like its the right thing to do. Some people say i'm brave, but honestly i'm kinda scared lol.

Hold on to truth

    How is it that sometimes we let things control us? Things like fears, and doubts that are whispered in our ears, when were all alone. Why are we so willing to believe those things? Especially when if we take a step back we can clearly see things aren't whatever's been planted in our heads.  I think it has to do with the situation, if you have fears of being left alone or forgotten, then thats when the thoughts will start, when your alone away from people.
    These doubts start from something that is there, small but we all have doubts, and insecurities, but that is what makes it so hard when it gets planted in your head. Its something you truly do fear, only its been heightened to some degree.
    How do we get over them? I can't honestly say, but I think it has to do with holding on to the truth. If you can step away and see thats nothing is wrong, hold on to that. The mind sadly will fall for tricks at times, I know trust me. For me, sometimes I feel like i'm alone, or that the people I consider close, might not be so close after all. So I hold on to memories, because if they truly didn't care they wouldn't act, or do all the things they have for me. Once again truth helps shed some light on things, but I do understand that it's not a one time struggle, but thats life we get the good along with the bad.

Dream dream dream

    Where would we be if we couldn't dream? Dreams are our escape, they help us work through our subconscious minds. Things we push away because we don't want, or know how to deal with, dreams are a way that sometimes force us to face the problem. Without dreams in that respect we would never work through our subconscious. 

    The fun part of dreams, you get to do things you wouldn't normally do, remember a dream is simply a wish your heart makes, so they let you experience things that you want. For me good dreams are full of so many things that I didn't get the chance to do, which is nice because in a way I did get to experience them:)

    The bad part of dreams is that some aren't always good dreams, some are nightmares, fueled by our fears. However, those I think are once again our subconscious trying to get us to face some inner problem we are trying to avoid. Yet I know some nightmares can leave you waking up in the middle of the night alone and terrified. 

     Dreams are powerful, and don't ever let anyone fool you into thinking someone or something can take away your dreams. They may change over time as you get older, but they will always be yours. No one can take your dreams away from you. 

A place to fall

    Sometimes were all gonna hit a rough spot, a bad day, something that just brings us down. We all have those moments so, don't deny that you do. I know at times even in a crowd I get lonely, and I bet i'm not the only one who feels that way. I think sometimes we just wanna get away from it all, and sometimes we honestly just need a place to fall.

    Whether it be a place that we can go all ourselves and be alone, or maybe it's a certain person who knows the you that you don't always show everyone, and they are still there for you always. I don't see that as someone giving up, more like they are just taking a break. In life we will get hit so many times from all angles, and there will be times when we truly just need a place to fall. 

Where's life heading?

    That question sometimes scares me to be down right honest. I mean I'm 21, which is a miracle, but for a while I wasn't expected to live that long. I finished high school, and I'm working on college, but where is my life heading? 

    I want to be a writer, an author of novels. I'd also like to be a photographer, but that's the thing I'm still just wishing. While the people around me seem to have everything so under control and planned out. Sometimes it feels like everyone is passing me by, or is getting ready to leave me behind.

    I want to work, I truly do, but at the moment my hands are tied. I know I have talent in both areas of my interests, I just gotta figure out a way to get myself started. 

    I am tired of how some people look at me like I do nothing, like I don't have any cares, or motivations. I keep busy, and I help people, I help throughout the church, I'm continuing taking classes online, as well as dealing with medical stuff. Yet there are some people who see me as if I'm not doing all I can, and that I don't care. When in fact I do care and wish I could do more.

   One day I will find a way to reach my aspirations. I'm just not sure when it will come to pass.

Every opportunity

     When it comes down to it, sometimes I think about the fact how it seems like I've had every opportunity to just give up, every excuse to just quit, to just say you know what I've had enough I'm done. However, I never do, I don't know why, but I never seem to give up or quit.

    People ask me do I blame god for getting MPS or having to deal with all the stuff I go through, and honestly I don't think I've ever blamed him, or got angry at him despite what happens. Yes I get nervous, or scared, and wish at times that I could pass some things by, but somehow I manage to push through. 

    I've overcame so many trials that I wasn't supposed to, I keep finding a way back, keep fighting. Have every legitimate reason to give up, yet for some reason I choose not to. I don't know if its for my friends, family, or a way to keep serving god, but I hold on to those things, and I think those are the main reasons I keep pushing forward.

Speaking at FCA

    Well I made it to Northwest High School FCA meeting this morning (on time I might add), and think that everything went pretty smoothly. The speaking was easier than I thought it was gonna be. My friend Triston was talking with me asking the questions, so it was sorta a question and answer, back and forth chat. I got to talk about my medical history, what i'm doing with my life now, and my life with christ. The talking back and forth made it less stressful and more casual, so it was easier than I thought it would be. Plus I knew a few of the people who were listening (friends) so that helped too I think.
    I think the students listening enjoyed it (they didn't boo ha), when I was done they clapped, and a few came up and thanked me for sharing my story. I know some of their eyes grew wide when I mentioned the part where technically I was supposed to be dead.

    All in all I think it went good, and I hope that they enjoyed it. I think I would gladly speak again if someone wanted me to.

public speaking

    Well, tomorrow it looks like i'm going to be speaking at NorthWest High School at an FCA meeting about.. (myself I guess lol).  Honestly i'm kinda nervous, I mean I give my life story speech almost on a weekly basis to new interns at my treatment, but thats not the same really as talking to a group of people now is it? I have took drama classes before, but I still tend to freeze up at times.
    I may not know everyone, or even a lot of people there, but luckily I will know a few. Plus someone will be talking with me, asking me questions, so that should help keep me focused. Part of me at times wonder is it really that great a story? Some people seem to think so.
    Hopefully I wont trip on the stage, freeze up, or just make a complete fool of myself lol, but when a friend of mine asked me if i'd like to, I decided to try it.

voluntary

    Looks like September 23rd I am heading back to Chapel Hill, NC to be apart of a different clinical trial, I know we are still trying to make travel arrangements, but it should last until the 26th, so not a long trip. I wont say too much about it other than the fact it will include a spinal tap in the form of a lumbar puncture (Not fun).
    However, I just wanted to post this so when I go its not a complete shock, and yes this is voluntary, I could say no, and it would go away. However, it's something that I can help with, and not many others can. So I feel like its the right thing to do, even if i'm kinda nervous.

Just put your arm around someone

    The simple act of putting your arm around someone out of love, or care can mean so much more to people then you could ever imagine. People around us everyday are going through some darkness, just waiting for someone to come through with a light to pull them out. You never know just who around you is hurting, and they may just be scared to admit that they are wanting a little love.
    It's not gonna hurt you to show some simple actions of kindness, its the little things that sometimes make the biggest impressions (and I know that from experience).
    Think back to when you were going through some bad experience, or time in your life. If your able to think back to it, that should mean you've gotten past it (and for me I know it was because someone showed they cared).
    In this world sadly there is so much hurting going on, so I firmly believe that its not a waste of time to try, you can make a persons day with a simple connection. If you have a smile then share it, and you can be the person to help someone.

Attraction

    Attraction is a funny thing, sometimes it comes at the oddest of times. It also seems to be very sudden, like out of the blue you'll see someone, and just get a feeling right then and there. Sometimes I don't think there is always a pattern either, or anything in common with the different people one person is attracted to. 

    You shouldn't base much on attraction because its not stable in my opinion. Sure you think your gonna like the person based on their looks, the way they act, or the personality that you see shine from them, but that's about it you don't see anything definite. 

     So what do you do about the attractions? Well I guess it depends on how attracted you are, there's no harm in simply trying to get closer to the person (just be careful). Other times its best to just leave the attraction to your fantasies, especially if your pretty sure nothing can come from it.

    People are attracted every day they can't help it, it doesn't mean they love that person per say, its just something about that person was enough to spark some interest lol.

Taking a risk, sometimes worth it

     It's kinda late as I'm writing this, and honestly even though I have a lot on my mind lately, today was a good day. 

     Those moments you realize your smarter, stronger, and braver than you think are probably some of the best moments you'll experience in this life. Sometimes it takes hearing something from someone important of that you've known awhile and trust, and sometimes it's just meeting someone new, and they don't have to say anything specific but just by being themselves I don't know makes things click.  When people respect you, care for you, and/or value you (I don't know about everyone else, but personally) it makes you feel like your doing things right. 

     Yes today I did hear some encouraging words from a good friend, and I got to talk to two specific new people, one listened to what I had to say, and the other just sincerely influenced me (and I hope that, that particular friendship goes somewhere, or even forms I guess).

    If anything today was filled with me trusting, or simply taking chances with people who I don't know, and it honestly eased my mind whether it was talked about or simply just meeting someone new. I think it broke down a few walls that I keep up, and I hope they continue to keep falling. (I do know I don't need to over expect anything, or get my hopes up, because it very well may be I read something out of nothing) but today showed me that sometimes when you take the risk, it's worth it in the end, so I'm gonna try to try more with others.

Time is fleeting

     Do you ever feel like time is on fast forward and your being pushed along watching things go by? I know I do ha. It seems like things speed up but you have no clue where it's going to drop you off (off it even will). Then when you think about the past, I mean really think about it, and all those memories come flooding in. The good, the bad, the ones you'd rather forget, and the ones you'll fight till the end to hold on to. 

    School season started once again and I've heard people say thier lives start once they are out. But I disagree, doesn't everything that has come to be mean anything? Or was it all for nothing? The past in my opinion is just as important as the future, so don't discredit yours. 

     And since time is fleeting, make sure you make the most of the present.

Thoughts from a book

    So I finished reading the book Wicked (the life and times of the wicked witch of the west), and it got me thinking about things. Have you ever felt like your doing all this good stuff for other people, but only have it blow up in your face by ending up bad? So does doing something with good intentions but having bad results make the deed bad, and vice versa does doing something with bad intentions only to end up with good results make it a good deed?

    I don't think people start off bad, yet I also don't think it takes something huge to make someone bad. I think it's little things one after another, and after time something little, but is backed with everything in the past finds a way to crack a person. 

    In the book elpheba (who later is referenced as the wicked witch of the west) tries to do everything good but ends up with deaths, fear, and guilt on her hands, then something small like a pair of shoes being given away just snaps her. I don't believe it was the shoes fully to blame its everything that had been building up, up to that point.

    If you haven't read this book I recommend it, it makes you think, and should not be considered a fast read.

Don't cling to just one person

    We can't let ourselves become attached completely to one person, it's not fair to ourself, or the other person. We're all human, and eventually fail, so if someone were clinging to was to mess up, blow us off, or other things in that area, will be hurt even though there was really no reason. No one person can be there 24/7. 

    Now you can still have people you trust above others that's just a testament to how much you value them. Honestly when push comes to shove you know they will come through, hey look at the past. When you distance yourself from people it's harder when you start trusting because when something gets messed up your first instincts are your gonna be alone again, so you may accidentally read things into stuff that aren't really true.

     You have to keep faith that the relationship you've formed is strong enough to hold together when the wind blows.

All we can do

    Sometimes we have to face the fact that we can't save everyone. Sometimes we won't be able to do anything more then simply say I love you. It's easy to blame ourselves. If we were stronger maybe we could do things differently. However, sometimes people just need to know that someone cares, so maybe when that's all we can do, that's all we really need to.

Feelings

    Do you ever feel like no ones there? Like the people you count on most are just an illusion you've deluded yourself into believing are true? It's easy to do. It's also easy to believe those doubts being whispered into your ears. Usually more or less its the latter.

    You have to believe in yourself that your worth something. You have to believe you have purpose. Because you are, and do. Sometimes though, those doubts we hear are strong enough to leave you crippled. Especially if you hear them from actual people around you, that can feed their power even more.

    You have to trust that the relationships you've built with people are strong, and not let those fears send you spinning backwards. People who like you have their reasons, If they truly didn't wanna be around you they would leave you, and you know what? Let them. It may hurt, but if they wanna bolt let them bolt. You deserve people who wanna be with you. 

Love, just what is it

    Love, what is it? How do we get it? More importantly how do we keep it? For some love seems to come so easily, while others feel as if its never within their reach.

    In my opinion love is a willingness, it's where you would risk everything in order to try and protect someone else. 

    I know that I love the people in my family, as well as I love some my friends, yet honestly I don't know if I have felt that attraction part of love. In this world love seems to be tossed around so carelessly, I mean look at the divorce record sometimes I think people get married saying they love each other when in actuality they are simply bored.

    I may not know everything (or much for that matter) about love, but I think the reason everyone is so desperate to find it, is because honestly it's the closest thing we have to magic.

Time

    Time, it seems like it comes and goes so quickly. It passes us in the blink of an eye, yet it can also seem to last forever.

  Time is fleeting people say, so in my opinion one should make every second count because you don't get them back. So many things can hold you back I understand, but looking from a different angle you could say it was better to have tried and to have failed versus never trying at all. I know some would disagree about that at times, for if you never try you never have to face the reality. 

    Sometimes we allow time to control us, I mean its always there we schedule out days around it, always striving to be on time. For me sometimes I just want the world to stop, simply stop and breath. No errand needed ran, no meeting, no dinner appointment, nothing just for a little while the would stopped where one can breath and relax. 

   Try it just try to take some time away from time lol, trust me it will be there when your done.

Home from vacation

Well we returned home yesterday, and after a long drive I spent most of today asleep in my room haha.

Vacation was fun and it was good to get away, I'm sad it's over, already I'm caught back up in the hectic daily life, no rest for the wicked I guess haha

Had some alligator bites one night they were actually quite good

The ocean:) it was nice

Me at the beach :)

Had some ice cream at the beach

So yes all in all it was a good trip just sad it's over ha

Passed my final while on vacation!

    Well we've been on vacation since Tuesday, and honestly I've just been relaxing. Going to try and make it to the beach today:) 

    Yesterday I am happy to say I took, and passed my final!! Woohoo! So now I'm off school for about a month! 

    So far it's been a good trip nothing to stressful more or less just a relaxing lazy trip ha. For dinner one night we did have alligator bites (tasted like chicken). 

    I've been up since 4am I can't sleep however, everyone else is ha.  Oh well hopefully they will wake up soon (I'm ready for the beach!!)

Getting ready!

    So I'm going to be headed to FL one more time this summer! Looks like its gonna be my mom, my brother Nathan, my sister in-law Christel, and my nephew Cooper. We're all going to moms condo in Seminole for the week. We are leaving Wednesday. 

    I'm looking forward to getting away for a little while, a nice break. Plus it will be a nice family trip. One downside is my final will be right near the end of the trip so that's kinda a bummer but, at least I have the option to be able to take it!  

(Will try and post some pictures once we get there!)

The conjuring (scary movies)

    Ok so Thursday night I saw The Conjuring midnight showing. That was honestly scary. My friend Kala (and also the rest of the audience) were screaming together at times haha. It was a good storyline, and honestly a good movie, ..just creepy ha!

    Why do some people enjoy being scared? I don't love it, but from time to time it's fun, but why? I think seeing a movie is different, it's safe. You know when it's over, it's over. Where as in real life terrors you don't know when they will go away. 

    Maybe some People use the fear from movies to escape from other fears or problems for a couple hours, they can put their focus on something else. 

    I wonder sometimes about the people who think up these films and wonder how did they ever come up with these things? 

   But anyway horror films are not for everyone and I don't recommend this movie for faint of heart because it is scary, but you should find out for yourself 

over 5000 views!

    Wow I just noticed that this blog has had over five thousand views! Thats awesome!! Once again i do apologize for the lack of posts, but things have just never slowed down :/ However i do try to start posting more frequently again.
    Well heres to the first five thousand views, and heres to the next.
Also thanks to you viewers, and followers!

Off the grid

Hey I just wanted to apologize for my absence from posting. I know it's been quite a while between posts. I'm going to try and start posting more frequently, last week just got a little hectic. Class work, and the Fourth of July plus some other stuff. But once again sorry for my absence!

Limited

    I know some people still see me as limited, and I admit it, at times I am. However, really who in this world isn't limited at something? We all have our faults, our doubts, things that can knock us down, or hold us back. Yet it seems that not everyone gets the same treatment. Once your wrote out it can feel like game over. Yet if you just give up instead of trying to prove yourself it kinda is lol. Is it easy fighting against limitations? No, but once you are successful people tend to notice, because you had to work a little harder to accomplish that. There will be times people hold you back because of their judgment of you, be patient, and if your really trying they too will take notice.
    I'm still trying to prove myself to people. Why do I? Because I don't want to be counted out. I can offer something. So can everyone, everyone has something they can offer. So don't let limitations hold you back, and if someone calls you limited you can say what I say: "Limited? Try Limitless"

For Good

    You know some people say that people come into our lives for a reason, they teach us things that we needed to know.  Also sometimes the time comes when it seems like we may never meet our friend again, because sadly people come in and out of our lives. Sometimes its not so bad, but when it's someone you care about it can be hard. Especially if them leaving means that they will achieve more, so it would be selfish of you to ask them to stay, even though you truly don't want to see them go. You get torn between your happiness, and theirs. If you truly do care about them let them go, and if they care about you, you wont lose them.
    When people come into our lives, they change us. Now if it's for the better i'm not always sure. I've had so many people in my life, and I know of at least three people i've met in my life that has changed me for good (as in now that I know them, I am forever changed thanks to them. Also to be changed for good doesn't always mean for the better).
    Now remember your changing people too. How you act, treat people, and just by being yourself, you effect people. Do you change people for the better? (I hope that I do).

Just know

So this is just something I wrote about a friend, and decided I'd post it. It is dedicated to someone in particular however, I'm not gonna name any names. Anyways hope you like it all the same.

Simply slip on a mask

    You know it really is just so easy to slip on a mask, play a part, and have no one see how truly damaged you are underneath. No one sees the scars, the cracks threatening to completely shatter you. From afar or even close by you can seem so put together, carefree. No one suspects the pain, or the hurt you carry.

    Why should they? Sometimes we just don't want to share our pains, our problems with people, so we simply act as though we're fine. It's so easy to fool people into thinking your fine, even when you just want to cry. We don't want to be a burden for someone else to have to deal with so we keep quiet, but at nights when it's quiet, the things we repress seem to grow in volume.

    Maybe deep down we want someone to notice at times, but maybe the people we want to notice the most are the ones we don't want to lose, for the fear of our problems pushing them away. We wonder do others have such strong emotions? Are we odd for caring so much? Is there something wrong with us? These plus probably several other questions haunt us into the late hours of the night.
    Emotions are hard to manage at times, but honestly they are a part of everyday life. No matter what we face them. So is it better to just hold them in, and simply wear a mask through life, so not to bring attention to ourselves? I think if you have a friend you can try to share some of it with can help, because holding them in is mentally, and physically draining. Plus from personal experience it all bottles up, and then you hit your breaking point. Then you end up blowing up.  However, I know it's also easy to just act as though your fine. Your scared people may look at you differently if they see the cracks in your armor. 

    I don't have any definite answers because hey i'm human too, and go through all of this as well, thats one thing you have to tell yourself, your not alone. The morning brings a new day, and you never know whatever got you so worked up about, the morning may also shed some light on it. Where maybe you made it more then it was, or it might have resolved itself. Just remember, There has to be a morning after, just keep on looking for the light.

Dancing with the Chattanooga stars

    So I got to go to the special event of dancing with the Chattanooga stars! I had the privilege of having 2 VIP tickets with access to the pre-party where my cousin Victoria, and I got to meet Tony Dovolani (winner of ABC's Dancing with the Stars all-star season)!! (We were actually the last people who got to meet and have photo taken with him) Got to walk a red carpet, had some snacks, and then we found out we had great seats for the show. All of the dancers were truly amazing. (Ha at times we did feel slightly under-dressed there were some pretty formal wearing people at the event)

    After we decided to go and eat Mellow Mushrooms pizza. It was honestly a good night out. Really glad I got to go to this something I won't forget!!

Secrets tie people together?

    Can secrets really tie people together? Something that's private, but yet you trust someone enough to share with in a way showing you trust them. Or do they actually just chain you to people, forcing you to stay close?

    I know if someone trusts you with a secret it's different from someone finding it out themselves then holding it over your head, and taunting you with it. Also if someone does trust you enough to share something honor that trust don't just run off telling every soul you can find. Also remember if you get mad at them, or hurt by them (even though it may be tempting) don't use it then out of spite, because a few seconds of rage can ruin someone's life.

    Know that everyone has secrets, no one knows everything about everyone, so don't assume that you do. How would you feel if everyone knew your most kept secret?

    I think given the right situation yes secrets can strengthen friendships, and relationships however, they can also cause more harm than good at times. 

Nothing can last forever, ..Can it?

    It's sad, but it's honestly true. Nothing really can truly last forever, or can it? Things change over time, so that doesn't mean it's gone completely, it's maybe just a little bit different. Like when a friend moves away, sometimes that feels like the friendship is going to be over, but it doesn't have to be. It may take a little more work but you can still be friends.
    Knowing things that are going to happen in the future isn't always fun, especially if you know something will either have to end or change some. Sometimes you wonder is it worth it to keep it up, or should you end it now and get used to it? No I have to say even though it may be hard cherish, and treasure all the times leading up to that moment. Don't cry because it's over, Smile because you got to experience it. No one can take your memories away. If you value something strongly enough, it usually always finds a way to work out.
   So things may not always be able to stay the same, but some things might just be able to last forever, at least that's my opinion.

fear can be

    Fear, it can be many things for different people. For some it can cripple you, control you into giving up. (like knowing things that are coming, and you will have no control over them). Fear can be powerful, from the right approach fear can stop a person dead in their tracks. With fear it seems smarter, and safest for us to avoid it at times. This kind of fear if harnessed can control some people, and manipulate them (especially if that fear is getting a helping hand).
    Another fear is the type that fuels you to fight back, where you've grown more mad than scared, and your just ready to see it end. The more it attacks you, the more you grow in trying to eliminate it.
    What do you do when the worst has happened and you made it through it? Think about it as if yes you survived whatever the situation was, but you lost everything that matters most to you in the process, and your left with nothing but yourself. Alone. What then? Would fear have any grasps on you? Honestly I don't think it would because if there was nothing for it to target, i'm sad to say but, in that situation I believe most people would jus give up caring, possibly even break down.
    Fear can ruin lives, but you have to remember that fear is apart of life, you just have to learn to live with it, and deal with it. You can't let it control you.

A day and a half

    Well second week in a row my friend Triston took me to treatment, and we actually ended up spending over 13 hours together. Now before you freak out, no nothing went wrong with treatment. Quite the opposite really. We ended up getting out early, like by 2pm, played monopoly, had chick fil a (doubt that will ever change lol) and started watching the captain america movie.
    Afterwards we went back to dalton and helped set up some stuff for RBCC adventure weekend (a vacation bible school). Then I just tagged along to his meeting and practice with his diving coach. We decided after that to get a bite at Steakn'Shake, and made it in time for church where my cousin Kathleen got to come, after we went to sweet spot, and just hung out the three of us.
    So yeah you could say we had a day and a half lol. However, it was nice. I enjoyed being around a friend for so long, honestly today was a good day.
    Also tomorrow I plan on resting so I have energy for the adventure weekend, when your dealing with elementary you need all the energy you can get.

dont push too far

    Ok so yesterday I really over did it, like as in today I paid the price.
lets see it started out with me volunteering at my church, helped go through crates of food, and get it ready to be distributed. Then we went out and bought some sport balls that the kids could play with, and finally we picked up a banner for the church.
    After that I rushed to lead a short bible study due to I had to attend a meeting on adventure weekend at  6:30 and get my instructions for that. Then I went to a different bible study known as DWELL it's a summer bible study. I think that I would have enjoyed it more if I hand't done so much throughout the day. I also know that by the last song I was straining to stay standing (was actually in pain), but didn't want to become the center of attention. It was nice, but my shyness is as thick as a glacier. will see how it goes..
    Anyway so yeah today when I woke up from all of that I was in a lot of pain, and I was stiff. Just goes to show just because i'm doing better doesn't mean i'm 100% sadly. Yeah this week as been crazy busy, in more ways then one, and its going to continue to be busy it seems.
    But yeah honestly I do need to push myself at times, it's healthy. I just don't need to push myself too far, and end up losing everything.

it does matter

    The way we treat people actually does matter. Every person is equal, and has come from their own story, and you may not always know what they've been through. So, why do people think that they are better, or someone is worse? I know in this world it seems impossible to be nice to everyone, but you have to try, even on those days that aren't going so well for you.
    I see it like: if everyone would try to be nice and, put others before themselves, if everyone would do that there would be someone waiting to catch you if you should fall to return the favor. Yes I see the flaw in that plan, not everyone is gonna put themselves last, but do you see the possible good in it?
    Those little snipes at people may seem like a joke to you, but you don't know how powerful words can be. Something considered to be funny to you, could be all it takes to push someone off the edge.  I personally know the feeling I get when someone is genuinely nice to me (that's another point) when you know that someone cares you cant buy that.
    Now genuine and just going through the motions are two different things you may have a bad day, and end up just going through the motions at times thats ok we are all human, but always strive to be sincere in what you do, people can tell the difference. I know for me when someone is just faking being nice, it leaves me feeling worse because I feel like I'm just not that important.
    You know how you like to be treated, and you should know how to treat others, we have to be there for each other, through good times, and bad.  Just try to be nice and sincere to everyone you meet. You just might be surprised at some of the reactions.

True colors revealed

    When you have people in your life, if you are close eventually they may start acting differently around you the more they get comfortable with you. Sometimes it's not so good, someone who was once considered a close friend could end up being no more then someone who just uses you when they need something, then once they've got what they want they decide to go. Basically they have fun with you, but only when they are happy.
    Other times however, the closer you get to someone the better they get. You see they actually enjoy time spent with you. They don't hold things over your head, and you see if they truly can, they would drop everything to help you out.
    How do you know what is someone's true color? You don't know until they reveal it. Usually in a tense, or unpleasant situation when the person is tired, stressed, and just forgets and slips up. What are your true colors? and does anyone know them?

keeping you on your toes

    Ok, so today I'm actually not at treatment. Yes you read that right lol. I actually went yesterday, and if that's not enough to surprise you I also had my friend Triston take me (he claimed the title of first outside family to have took me to treatment). I also didnt watch Gilmore Girls haha, but we did play monopoly, and I crushed him (Actually it ended with him owning mostly everything and me having to mortgage everything). We did have the traditional Chick Fil A.  It looks like he will be taking me next thursday as well, which i'm all for, its nice to change things around sometimes. It's good to keep people guessing, and on their toes haha.

5th Poetry post ~Life~

Fear

It's here, it's there.

Really it's kinda everywhere.

Trust

It's not always a must.

Sometimes you can't get past some stuff.

Hope

It's the reason we hold on.

Helping make the nights not quite as long.

Love

It's something were all seeking.

And it can appear from just a simple meeting.

Life

It's all of these things, and more.

Just waiting for you, outside your door.

possibly, maybe I..

    Ok so maybe I overreact about some things, I don't really know why I do, just that sometimes... I do. Either I expect the worst, and spend hours, or the night worrying about something when it turns out to be fine, or not even a real issue to begin with. Sometimes I come on too strong when I have an idea... and I try to make it happen with a snap (I know that does not always work). Then there are times when I don't get a respond back, where I fight with myself over things like, did I go too far? ask too much? share too much? Then I actually debate with myself whether or not i should read it when the reply does come.  Usually it ends fine, but the stress I put myself under is awful, I think the majority is just me not wanting to screw anything up with people, especially people I'm trying to get to know.

    So yeah this is basically me admitting that possibly, maybe I overreact about some things, or make mountains out of molehills at times.

One of the guys?

    I don't know sometimes, but I honestly don't always feel like "one of the guys".  Growing up I had to be careful, and not play rough. So obviously I didn't get many chances to hang out with guys, I usually would hang out with girls (Not that that was a problem ha), but now that i'm doing better it feels like if I want to do any kind of sport, or heck any physical activity I am starting at the beginning while everyone else is better due to my lack of being able to try in the past.
    Would I like to hang out with guys more often? Yeah I would, and I actually am starting to make friends with some, but I'm not really sure if some of them are just being polite, to spare my feelings. All my female friends I value, and love, but there are times where I'm told to leave because it's "Girl time" which I oblige to. Sometimes even though I understand, it still hurts lol.
    When i'm alone, and I look in the mirror, I see a face who is young, and not very strong, and I just start to get clouded with thoughts, your better off without guy friends, they would just make fun of you, or grow to resent you from constantly holding them back. However, the ones I have now I truly don't think they would ever intentionally try to hurt me. Fighting those two opposing thought waves really just gives me a headache.
    Given a chance I can usually prove myself. People underestimate me, I know I'm stronger then I appear, I have proven that time and time again, I just have a few things that hold me back in some areas, but given the chance and time I can usually find a way around those difficulties. Apparently I have enough things that keep me closed off at times, and I guess my shyness, can be misinterpreted as being rude, or stuck up.
    Sometimes I think parts of my life were rushed, or skipped altogether, having to grow up quicker than some. However, I think the parts that got skipped were just that, skipped. I don't think they went away, I think they were just sitting in the background waiting to resurface. Now I think they are resurfacing. Growing up around doctors and adults, I learned how to interact and converse with adults however, interacting with my own age group... I sorta missed a few key points in that department, and I'm awkward, quiet, and just feel out of place at times. However, I'm catching up, or at least I think I am at times lol.
    So, i'll continue to work on my social skills, my self confidence, and my trust. You never know when a friendship could form, from past experience I know that the best ones take time to grow, (i'm glad to say I have at least a couple of those). Thats about it for now, I know this was kinda longish post, just some stuff thats been going through my head, keeping me up at nights.

Things I want to improve

    Ok so we all have things about ourselves that we don't like. For me a have a few things that i'd like to work on. First being opening up, and not being so shy around people. Even with people I know really well I can have a hard time coming out of my shell, and managing to strike a conversation. The shyness is almost crippling. I'm working on that, and can honestly tell at times I break those walls I put up around myself, and it honestly usually turns out good.
    Secondly, i'd like to channel my emotions outwardly better (possibly in some form other than writing). Usually I don't show my emotions, i'm reserved even when its perfectly fine to be sad, or mad, or something else. I may feel it inside, but I have trouble expressing it, and usually just let it bottle up until it hits the breaking point. I guess thats the part I really want to work on, not having to get to a breaking point.
    Thirdly, I think goes with both of the first two. I want to express myself more, and not care what others think. I think being yourself is one of the best things you can be, but due to my shyness and lack of expressing my emotions sometimes I just hold back.
    I can tell that over the last year alone i've improved a lot on these things, but I also know I still have some work to do. lol

the trouble with saving money

    Ok so for the past couple of years, i've been trying to save up enough money to buy an updated computer the MacBook Pro, now don't get me wrong I have loved my macbook (which is white) however, I sorta need what the newer ones have to offer, such as a memory card reader to help with my photography hobby. It would make it easier to deal with the pictures, and also the screen on my current macbook has been messing up, and now has resulted with a streak running across it, nothing major, but i'm sure its not a good sign.

    The problem with me saving money.. I don't have any to save I get a small amount a month, that helps me pay for my gas, my school, and a little left over to eat with for the month. Each month I try to skim the fats, but nothing can really go, so sadly there isn't any money left over to put in savings. So I doubt that anywhere in the foreseeable future will I be able to upgrade my computer. 

    Sucks yeah, but I'm grateful to even have a computer at all. I just wish that saving money was a little easier.

Sympathetic eyes

    Why are some people just so cruel? Honestly I pity them, and I think sometimes that is what drives them even madder. They do cruel, and hurtful things expecting you to get upset, and mad right back at them. Sure I get upset, but I also feel sorry, because something happened in there life that drove them into doing whatever it is they did. I know personally one time someone was being just downright rude, and purposefully dropped something I had been working on, and broke it. Well I don't really know what I did, but I remember them saying "Why aren't you mad? Don't look at me with those sympathetic eyes, I cant stand those eyes". I think sometimes people just don't want to be the only ones feeling bad, or having a rough time. We all have bad times, and I'm sure we all remember the pain, or other negative emotions that came with those times, so why would you wanna pull someone else into them? Why not try, and have someone pull you up?

Ear infection

    Well yesterday at treatment, I asked the doctor to look at my ear, because it had been hurting slightly and was feeling like it was full. Turns out I have an ear infection. Luckily I caught it early, and they prescribed me some med. I'll be taking two pills every eight hours for the next 9 days.
    Last night it was hurting pretty bad as well as popping, and feeling like it was bubbling, odd I know. However, today it doesn't hurt much at all, so thats good news. Honestly really glad it happened now and we caught it this early. Would have hated it if it started in June.

To haircut or not

Well everyone lately seems to have an opinion on what I should do with my hair.. Dye it back to solid black, cut it shorter. Honestly I enjoy it being a little longer, and I like the blonde in it. People who act like they know everything and are all like "no, no lol you won't keep it like that" like they just expect everyone to play the part from their mind perspective. I'm sorry but that's messed up. You have to listen to each other, you may still disagree, but you can't just go around expecting life to play out according to you. 

So yeah I probably won't get a haircut once a month, and the blonde I doubt will not be washed out, I respect your input, so please respect my decisions.

Don't question yourself

You know those times where you start to question yourself? You look around and wonder how did I get here. Why am I doing this, or why aren't I doing this? Don't ever let people make you doubt yourself. Me for example, Im pretty young natured. For a moment I started thinking more about what others would think of how I dressed or how my room looks, but then I realized that I don't care. I don't care what other people think, and that's how everyone should be. If you have people in your life putting you down or criticizing you, you'd be better off without them. Be yourself, not someone else. Me I doubt I'll ever fully grow up, if you go in my room it will show that. It boarder lines young adult but Disney, athletes, bands, and books are scattered throughout it. And if you know me then you'd know that Disney is kinda a big part of my life, I enjoy it. People who bash the stuff you like aren't really your friends.
Now that also means you shouldn't go around bashing things other people like. You don't know the reasons behind their liking them, and you could easily hurt someone by making fun of stuff they truly enjoy.
Don't question your person, don't let others keep you from enjoying life. You only have this one life on earth, don't let people keep you down during your time on it.

Perspective

    Time gives your life a unique perspective as you get older. You see that the challenges that once seemed so scary when you were young, really weren't that scary at all. Looking back your glad you took the risk. It's like I say "if you don't get a few bruises and scrapes along the way, then your not really living." And if time us teaches anything in this crazy world is that nothing worth having ever comes easy.

Can we be unique?

    Can we really be unique? I mean we talk about it all the time how we want to be ourselves, and stand out. However, do we though, or do we just imitate others without even realizing it? Like why is your favorite color your favorite color, do you truly like it, or did you only start liking it because someone else mentioned it was their favorite, and over time it grew to be your favorite color also. Yet how do we know what we really are like, how can we separate the truth from the imitation?

    Do we represent what we want to represent, or what we are trying to imitate? Now some people may not think they have any issues with imitation, but human nature is to imitate, and thats a proven fact. So think back to when you first started liking a music group, a style of clothes, or even a favorite color. Why did you start liking them? Was it truly something that you liked, or is there maybe a small chance that you started liking it because you liked the people in the group, or you knew of people who wore those kinds of clothes? Maybe you liked them just because you knew someone else would hate them.
    However, whether or not it's an imitation, if you truly enjoy the things that make you yourself, then that's all that really matters in the end. I know for me, I may not know where all my likes and dislikes originated, but I know that they are now mine. Plus deep down i'm pretty sure i'm unique lol.

Treating people differently

    You know i'm no stranger to feeling like i'm treated different, but sometimes it hits me just how different I am, or have been treated at times. I see how people treat others, and then recall that for me it was.. well different. No one was ever really cruel or anything, if anything they would simply avoid me. I was treated delicately, which I know at times that was probably for the better, but still I wonder, what would have happened if I had been treated like everyone else? Did they think I couldn't handle it, or just not want to bother with it?
    I'm not going to go into the details of what brought this on, but basically i'm feeling like people should try and treat everyone the same. Because sometimes you may think your being nice by treating someone different than you would someone else in the same situation. Well that person may be happy you at least included them, but they may also be thinking did you really include me, or just pacify me?
    We all know that everyone is equal, and I think everyone deserves a chance to at least try something before it gets modified. It may not always work out, but at least every can say it was tried.
    So just remember that the next time you think about treating someone a little different, even if it is to help them. Because if were never given a chance how would you feel?

4th Poetry Post ~Quite~

~Quite~

it has been said and done

i watched you fade from my life

it was horrible it was painful

and i just had to watch you slowly go

but i just want you to know

i will never find someone quite like you

never gonna meet a friend who is quite as true

i am gonna miss you daily 

don’t think this pain will ever go away

this is hurting me this is killing me

watching you from afar

even though the time was short

to me it meant so much more

i can see that you’ve moved on

you probably don't remember anything 

but as for me i remember everything 

and in my mind it just keeps playing on and on

but i just want you to know

i will never find someone quite like you

never gonna meet a friend who is quite as true

i am gonna miss you daily 

don’t think this pain will ever go away

i  know that i cant compare to the fair

and i do not want to

but you have to know that

you didn’t have to cut me out so hard

don’t think i will ever be set free

and honestly that is just fine with me

because i get to keep all my memories

and to me they are worth more than anything

but i just want you to know

i will never find someone quite like you

never gonna meet a friend who is quite as true

i am gonna miss you daily 

don’t think this pain will ever go away

but i think you should also know 

the pain that all of this this has caused 

do you know how hurt i was 

when you never once called

without warning you just disappeared

and for me time seemed to still

ill never forget the chill 

when i realized your being gone was real

but i just want you to know

i will never find someone quite like you

never gonna meet a friend who is quite as true

i am gonna miss you daily 

don’t think this pain will ever go away

but it will all be ok 

cause i don’t mind thinking of you

and so ill wait for the day

when this thing can finally be through