keeping you on your toes

    Ok, so today I'm actually not at treatment. Yes you read that right lol. I actually went yesterday, and if that's not enough to surprise you I also had my friend Triston take me (he claimed the title of first outside family to have took me to treatment). I also didnt watch Gilmore Girls haha, but we did play monopoly, and I crushed him (Actually it ended with him owning mostly everything and me having to mortgage everything). We did have the traditional Chick Fil A.  It looks like he will be taking me next thursday as well, which i'm all for, its nice to change things around sometimes. It's good to keep people guessing, and on their toes haha.

5th Poetry post ~Life~

Fear

It's here, it's there.

Really it's kinda everywhere.

Trust

It's not always a must.

Sometimes you can't get past some stuff.

Hope

It's the reason we hold on.

Helping make the nights not quite as long.

Love

It's something were all seeking.

And it can appear from just a simple meeting.

Life

It's all of these things, and more.

Just waiting for you, outside your door.

possibly, maybe I..

    Ok so maybe I overreact about some things, I don't really know why I do, just that sometimes... I do. Either I expect the worst, and spend hours, or the night worrying about something when it turns out to be fine, or not even a real issue to begin with. Sometimes I come on too strong when I have an idea... and I try to make it happen with a snap (I know that does not always work). Then there are times when I don't get a respond back, where I fight with myself over things like, did I go too far? ask too much? share too much? Then I actually debate with myself whether or not i should read it when the reply does come.  Usually it ends fine, but the stress I put myself under is awful, I think the majority is just me not wanting to screw anything up with people, especially people I'm trying to get to know.

    So yeah this is basically me admitting that possibly, maybe I overreact about some things, or make mountains out of molehills at times.

One of the guys?

    I don't know sometimes, but I honestly don't always feel like "one of the guys".  Growing up I had to be careful, and not play rough. So obviously I didn't get many chances to hang out with guys, I usually would hang out with girls (Not that that was a problem ha), but now that i'm doing better it feels like if I want to do any kind of sport, or heck any physical activity I am starting at the beginning while everyone else is better due to my lack of being able to try in the past.
    Would I like to hang out with guys more often? Yeah I would, and I actually am starting to make friends with some, but I'm not really sure if some of them are just being polite, to spare my feelings. All my female friends I value, and love, but there are times where I'm told to leave because it's "Girl time" which I oblige to. Sometimes even though I understand, it still hurts lol.
    When i'm alone, and I look in the mirror, I see a face who is young, and not very strong, and I just start to get clouded with thoughts, your better off without guy friends, they would just make fun of you, or grow to resent you from constantly holding them back. However, the ones I have now I truly don't think they would ever intentionally try to hurt me. Fighting those two opposing thought waves really just gives me a headache.
    Given a chance I can usually prove myself. People underestimate me, I know I'm stronger then I appear, I have proven that time and time again, I just have a few things that hold me back in some areas, but given the chance and time I can usually find a way around those difficulties. Apparently I have enough things that keep me closed off at times, and I guess my shyness, can be misinterpreted as being rude, or stuck up.
    Sometimes I think parts of my life were rushed, or skipped altogether, having to grow up quicker than some. However, I think the parts that got skipped were just that, skipped. I don't think they went away, I think they were just sitting in the background waiting to resurface. Now I think they are resurfacing. Growing up around doctors and adults, I learned how to interact and converse with adults however, interacting with my own age group... I sorta missed a few key points in that department, and I'm awkward, quiet, and just feel out of place at times. However, I'm catching up, or at least I think I am at times lol.
    So, i'll continue to work on my social skills, my self confidence, and my trust. You never know when a friendship could form, from past experience I know that the best ones take time to grow, (i'm glad to say I have at least a couple of those). Thats about it for now, I know this was kinda longish post, just some stuff thats been going through my head, keeping me up at nights.

Things I want to improve

    Ok so we all have things about ourselves that we don't like. For me a have a few things that i'd like to work on. First being opening up, and not being so shy around people. Even with people I know really well I can have a hard time coming out of my shell, and managing to strike a conversation. The shyness is almost crippling. I'm working on that, and can honestly tell at times I break those walls I put up around myself, and it honestly usually turns out good.
    Secondly, i'd like to channel my emotions outwardly better (possibly in some form other than writing). Usually I don't show my emotions, i'm reserved even when its perfectly fine to be sad, or mad, or something else. I may feel it inside, but I have trouble expressing it, and usually just let it bottle up until it hits the breaking point. I guess thats the part I really want to work on, not having to get to a breaking point.
    Thirdly, I think goes with both of the first two. I want to express myself more, and not care what others think. I think being yourself is one of the best things you can be, but due to my shyness and lack of expressing my emotions sometimes I just hold back.
    I can tell that over the last year alone i've improved a lot on these things, but I also know I still have some work to do. lol

the trouble with saving money

    Ok so for the past couple of years, i've been trying to save up enough money to buy an updated computer the MacBook Pro, now don't get me wrong I have loved my macbook (which is white) however, I sorta need what the newer ones have to offer, such as a memory card reader to help with my photography hobby. It would make it easier to deal with the pictures, and also the screen on my current macbook has been messing up, and now has resulted with a streak running across it, nothing major, but i'm sure its not a good sign.

    The problem with me saving money.. I don't have any to save I get a small amount a month, that helps me pay for my gas, my school, and a little left over to eat with for the month. Each month I try to skim the fats, but nothing can really go, so sadly there isn't any money left over to put in savings. So I doubt that anywhere in the foreseeable future will I be able to upgrade my computer. 

    Sucks yeah, but I'm grateful to even have a computer at all. I just wish that saving money was a little easier.

Sympathetic eyes

    Why are some people just so cruel? Honestly I pity them, and I think sometimes that is what drives them even madder. They do cruel, and hurtful things expecting you to get upset, and mad right back at them. Sure I get upset, but I also feel sorry, because something happened in there life that drove them into doing whatever it is they did. I know personally one time someone was being just downright rude, and purposefully dropped something I had been working on, and broke it. Well I don't really know what I did, but I remember them saying "Why aren't you mad? Don't look at me with those sympathetic eyes, I cant stand those eyes". I think sometimes people just don't want to be the only ones feeling bad, or having a rough time. We all have bad times, and I'm sure we all remember the pain, or other negative emotions that came with those times, so why would you wanna pull someone else into them? Why not try, and have someone pull you up?

Ear infection

    Well yesterday at treatment, I asked the doctor to look at my ear, because it had been hurting slightly and was feeling like it was full. Turns out I have an ear infection. Luckily I caught it early, and they prescribed me some med. I'll be taking two pills every eight hours for the next 9 days.
    Last night it was hurting pretty bad as well as popping, and feeling like it was bubbling, odd I know. However, today it doesn't hurt much at all, so thats good news. Honestly really glad it happened now and we caught it this early. Would have hated it if it started in June.

To haircut or not

Well everyone lately seems to have an opinion on what I should do with my hair.. Dye it back to solid black, cut it shorter. Honestly I enjoy it being a little longer, and I like the blonde in it. People who act like they know everything and are all like "no, no lol you won't keep it like that" like they just expect everyone to play the part from their mind perspective. I'm sorry but that's messed up. You have to listen to each other, you may still disagree, but you can't just go around expecting life to play out according to you. 

So yeah I probably won't get a haircut once a month, and the blonde I doubt will not be washed out, I respect your input, so please respect my decisions.

Don't question yourself

You know those times where you start to question yourself? You look around and wonder how did I get here. Why am I doing this, or why aren't I doing this? Don't ever let people make you doubt yourself. Me for example, Im pretty young natured. For a moment I started thinking more about what others would think of how I dressed or how my room looks, but then I realized that I don't care. I don't care what other people think, and that's how everyone should be. If you have people in your life putting you down or criticizing you, you'd be better off without them. Be yourself, not someone else. Me I doubt I'll ever fully grow up, if you go in my room it will show that. It boarder lines young adult but Disney, athletes, bands, and books are scattered throughout it. And if you know me then you'd know that Disney is kinda a big part of my life, I enjoy it. People who bash the stuff you like aren't really your friends.
Now that also means you shouldn't go around bashing things other people like. You don't know the reasons behind their liking them, and you could easily hurt someone by making fun of stuff they truly enjoy.
Don't question your person, don't let others keep you from enjoying life. You only have this one life on earth, don't let people keep you down during your time on it.

Perspective

    Time gives your life a unique perspective as you get older. You see that the challenges that once seemed so scary when you were young, really weren't that scary at all. Looking back your glad you took the risk. It's like I say "if you don't get a few bruises and scrapes along the way, then your not really living." And if time us teaches anything in this crazy world is that nothing worth having ever comes easy.

Can we be unique?

    Can we really be unique? I mean we talk about it all the time how we want to be ourselves, and stand out. However, do we though, or do we just imitate others without even realizing it? Like why is your favorite color your favorite color, do you truly like it, or did you only start liking it because someone else mentioned it was their favorite, and over time it grew to be your favorite color also. Yet how do we know what we really are like, how can we separate the truth from the imitation?

    Do we represent what we want to represent, or what we are trying to imitate? Now some people may not think they have any issues with imitation, but human nature is to imitate, and thats a proven fact. So think back to when you first started liking a music group, a style of clothes, or even a favorite color. Why did you start liking them? Was it truly something that you liked, or is there maybe a small chance that you started liking it because you liked the people in the group, or you knew of people who wore those kinds of clothes? Maybe you liked them just because you knew someone else would hate them.
    However, whether or not it's an imitation, if you truly enjoy the things that make you yourself, then that's all that really matters in the end. I know for me, I may not know where all my likes and dislikes originated, but I know that they are now mine. Plus deep down i'm pretty sure i'm unique lol.

Treating people differently

    You know i'm no stranger to feeling like i'm treated different, but sometimes it hits me just how different I am, or have been treated at times. I see how people treat others, and then recall that for me it was.. well different. No one was ever really cruel or anything, if anything they would simply avoid me. I was treated delicately, which I know at times that was probably for the better, but still I wonder, what would have happened if I had been treated like everyone else? Did they think I couldn't handle it, or just not want to bother with it?
    I'm not going to go into the details of what brought this on, but basically i'm feeling like people should try and treat everyone the same. Because sometimes you may think your being nice by treating someone different than you would someone else in the same situation. Well that person may be happy you at least included them, but they may also be thinking did you really include me, or just pacify me?
    We all know that everyone is equal, and I think everyone deserves a chance to at least try something before it gets modified. It may not always work out, but at least every can say it was tried.
    So just remember that the next time you think about treating someone a little different, even if it is to help them. Because if were never given a chance how would you feel?

4th Poetry Post ~Quite~

~Quite~

it has been said and done

i watched you fade from my life

it was horrible it was painful

and i just had to watch you slowly go

but i just want you to know

i will never find someone quite like you

never gonna meet a friend who is quite as true

i am gonna miss you daily 

don’t think this pain will ever go away

this is hurting me this is killing me

watching you from afar

even though the time was short

to me it meant so much more

i can see that you’ve moved on

you probably don't remember anything 

but as for me i remember everything 

and in my mind it just keeps playing on and on

but i just want you to know

i will never find someone quite like you

never gonna meet a friend who is quite as true

i am gonna miss you daily 

don’t think this pain will ever go away

i  know that i cant compare to the fair

and i do not want to

but you have to know that

you didn’t have to cut me out so hard

don’t think i will ever be set free

and honestly that is just fine with me

because i get to keep all my memories

and to me they are worth more than anything

but i just want you to know

i will never find someone quite like you

never gonna meet a friend who is quite as true

i am gonna miss you daily 

don’t think this pain will ever go away

but i think you should also know 

the pain that all of this this has caused 

do you know how hurt i was 

when you never once called

without warning you just disappeared

and for me time seemed to still

ill never forget the chill 

when i realized your being gone was real

but i just want you to know

i will never find someone quite like you

never gonna meet a friend who is quite as true

i am gonna miss you daily 

don’t think this pain will ever go away

but it will all be ok 

cause i don’t mind thinking of you

and so ill wait for the day

when this thing can finally be through