One of the guys?

    I don't know sometimes, but I honestly don't always feel like "one of the guys".  Growing up I had to be careful, and not play rough. So obviously I didn't get many chances to hang out with guys, I usually would hang out with girls (Not that that was a problem ha), but now that i'm doing better it feels like if I want to do any kind of sport, or heck any physical activity I am starting at the beginning while everyone else is better due to my lack of being able to try in the past.
    Would I like to hang out with guys more often? Yeah I would, and I actually am starting to make friends with some, but I'm not really sure if some of them are just being polite, to spare my feelings. All my female friends I value, and love, but there are times where I'm told to leave because it's "Girl time" which I oblige to. Sometimes even though I understand, it still hurts lol.
    When i'm alone, and I look in the mirror, I see a face who is young, and not very strong, and I just start to get clouded with thoughts, your better off without guy friends, they would just make fun of you, or grow to resent you from constantly holding them back. However, the ones I have now I truly don't think they would ever intentionally try to hurt me. Fighting those two opposing thought waves really just gives me a headache.
    Given a chance I can usually prove myself. People underestimate me, I know I'm stronger then I appear, I have proven that time and time again, I just have a few things that hold me back in some areas, but given the chance and time I can usually find a way around those difficulties. Apparently I have enough things that keep me closed off at times, and I guess my shyness, can be misinterpreted as being rude, or stuck up.
    Sometimes I think parts of my life were rushed, or skipped altogether, having to grow up quicker than some. However, I think the parts that got skipped were just that, skipped. I don't think they went away, I think they were just sitting in the background waiting to resurface. Now I think they are resurfacing. Growing up around doctors and adults, I learned how to interact and converse with adults however, interacting with my own age group... I sorta missed a few key points in that department, and I'm awkward, quiet, and just feel out of place at times. However, I'm catching up, or at least I think I am at times lol.
    So, i'll continue to work on my social skills, my self confidence, and my trust. You never know when a friendship could form, from past experience I know that the best ones take time to grow, (i'm glad to say I have at least a couple of those). Thats about it for now, I know this was kinda longish post, just some stuff thats been going through my head, keeping me up at nights.