Apparently I'm interesting

    So I went to see an orthopedic doctor about trying to help straighten me out so I can walk better, and walked away a little disappointed. "You, you are a challenge", and "You are interesting" were the phrases used many times during this visit. It made me feel like back when I was younger, and doctors wanted other doctors to examine me due to the rareness of my disease. Basically I have three fixable problems in my legs (primarily in my hips, knees, and ankles). The issue is that I have all three messed up at same time, and they are all connected, so fixing one could cause the others to collapse making me worse off than I am. I am proportionately unproportionate as he said.

    I could be worse off I know, but it still is kinda like a slap in the face when told they won't try anything. I don't wanna make myself worse, so i'll just accept that i am an Interesting challenge for now. Besides I've been told stuff would never happen before, and well look where I'm at now.

Fake it

    So I've learned sometimes it's better to sweep some things under the rug. Not letting them go, just not bringing them up to others anymore. Some things become obsessions and start to control us. We have to learn what is poison in our lives, and if we think it's worth it to keep with us. 

    Without meaning to we push people away with things were clinging to. That doesn't mean those things aren't important but, if you haven't found any solution it's just better to keep quiet. Possibly by just placing it aside and acting like it's not as big a deal, with time it will actually grow not to be. And by not focusing solely on it anymore maybe other doors will start to open for you to walk through. 

    Some things yes it's best just to toss, but I won't lie and say that everything should be trashed. Despite what others tell you one day you might be happy you never cut the cords entirely. So with those people when that subject comes up simply fake it, put on a masquerade  mask. People can only be pushed so far before they start to fade away from you. 

Haven't updated in awhile

    So I know it's been a while since I've posted. I broke my own rules I started caring about what others wanted or didn't want to read. Now while I truly appreciate anyone who reads this blog this a place for me it may not always be cheery, it might seem dull or redundant at times. But I can't help what's going on in my life at any given time. 

    Lately I have felt distant from people,im majority of the time by myself. Kala is around when she can be which is really nice but she has her own life to deal with and can't be here with my physically 24/7. Triston he's also busy with life but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him sometimes. Sometimes it feels like ppl just fade away. I know people come and go, but friends are together forever, it's just hard at times.

    One step forward and push people further away, I've finally realized this is my space to just open up and key out emotions that get bottled up. Yes I post updates on life events which is nice and good, but when you start letting others criticize writing it honestly starts to suck, the best writing is what comes naturally and freely.

Little lonely

    You know it feels like sometimes no one hears me. We have all this social media, and in theory it's supposed to connect us to each other. Really all it does is slowly divide us. Those who are worth following, to those who we choose to ignore. It's bad to feel alone, but it's worse to feel alone and then purposely ignored. 

    Lately it feels like I'm faded. I have two sincerely true friends that I know are always with me, and have my back, but I also know they have their own lives to live. I do see one of them more frequently when she's not working though so we find things to get into, the others a bit harder as he's on his own a good ways away, but I know we're best friends too. I don't feel like I've done anything of importance lately. I tell myself that it's just a break from everything I've came from, but sometimes I question just what did I really go through? 

   I miss hanging out with people, and yet medically I know I can't be free when others are at times. I feel like I've reverted back slowly and my walls are going back up. And just to clarify I like my life, and I'm happy, I'm just a little lonely at times lately.