keeping you on your toes

    Ok, so today I'm actually not at treatment. Yes you read that right lol. I actually went yesterday, and if that's not enough to surprise you I also had my friend Triston take me (he claimed the title of first outside family to have took me to treatment). I also didnt watch Gilmore Girls haha, but we did play monopoly, and I crushed him (Actually it ended with him owning mostly everything and me having to mortgage everything). We did have the traditional Chick Fil A.  It looks like he will be taking me next thursday as well, which i'm all for, its nice to change things around sometimes. It's good to keep people guessing, and on their toes haha.

5th Poetry post ~Life~

Fear

It's here, it's there.

Really it's kinda everywhere.

Trust

It's not always a must.

Sometimes you can't get past some stuff.

Hope

It's the reason we hold on.

Helping make the nights not quite as long.

Love

It's something were all seeking.

And it can appear from just a simple meeting.

Life

It's all of these things, and more.

Just waiting for you, outside your door.

possibly, maybe I..

    Ok so maybe I overreact about some things, I don't really know why I do, just that sometimes... I do. Either I expect the worst, and spend hours, or the night worrying about something when it turns out to be fine, or not even a real issue to begin with. Sometimes I come on too strong when I have an idea... and I try to make it happen with a snap (I know that does not always work). Then there are times when I don't get a respond back, where I fight with myself over things like, did I go too far? ask too much? share too much? Then I actually debate with myself whether or not i should read it when the reply does come.  Usually it ends fine, but the stress I put myself under is awful, I think the majority is just me not wanting to screw anything up with people, especially people I'm trying to get to know.

    So yeah this is basically me admitting that possibly, maybe I overreact about some things, or make mountains out of molehills at times.

One of the guys?

    I don't know sometimes, but I honestly don't always feel like "one of the guys".  Growing up I had to be careful, and not play rough. So obviously I didn't get many chances to hang out with guys, I usually would hang out with girls (Not that that was a problem ha), but now that i'm doing better it feels like if I want to do any kind of sport, or heck any physical activity I am starting at the beginning while everyone else is better due to my lack of being able to try in the past.
    Would I like to hang out with guys more often? Yeah I would, and I actually am starting to make friends with some, but I'm not really sure if some of them are just being polite, to spare my feelings. All my female friends I value, and love, but there are times where I'm told to leave because it's "Girl time" which I oblige to. Sometimes even though I understand, it still hurts lol.
    When i'm alone, and I look in the mirror, I see a face who is young, and not very strong, and I just start to get clouded with thoughts, your better off without guy friends, they would just make fun of you, or grow to resent you from constantly holding them back. However, the ones I have now I truly don't think they would ever intentionally try to hurt me. Fighting those two opposing thought waves really just gives me a headache.
    Given a chance I can usually prove myself. People underestimate me, I know I'm stronger then I appear, I have proven that time and time again, I just have a few things that hold me back in some areas, but given the chance and time I can usually find a way around those difficulties. Apparently I have enough things that keep me closed off at times, and I guess my shyness, can be misinterpreted as being rude, or stuck up.
    Sometimes I think parts of my life were rushed, or skipped altogether, having to grow up quicker than some. However, I think the parts that got skipped were just that, skipped. I don't think they went away, I think they were just sitting in the background waiting to resurface. Now I think they are resurfacing. Growing up around doctors and adults, I learned how to interact and converse with adults however, interacting with my own age group... I sorta missed a few key points in that department, and I'm awkward, quiet, and just feel out of place at times. However, I'm catching up, or at least I think I am at times lol.
    So, i'll continue to work on my social skills, my self confidence, and my trust. You never know when a friendship could form, from past experience I know that the best ones take time to grow, (i'm glad to say I have at least a couple of those). Thats about it for now, I know this was kinda longish post, just some stuff thats been going through my head, keeping me up at nights.