Doubts

    Trust is honestly a hard thing for everyone, I've become pretty open with meeting new people lately however, holding on to those new relationships seem to wanna tear me apart inside. I honestly don't have the best self esteem at times, and self doubt. 

    I read things into things that aren't there at times, and sometimes question whether a friendship is true. I have made some good friends and I've got to the point of trusting them. I know my uncertainty and doubts at times probably get old and annoying to some people, causing the very problems I was worrying over. I worry I get annoying, I worry I become a burden.

    For a while I closed myself off from opening up to people, and now I kinda remember why. I can be needy, which can feed of my insecurities and doubts. When something goes wrong I blame myself. Some say it's the price to pay for having a big heart, the bigger the heart the easier it is to hurt. Personally I choose to see that as a positive way to look at it.

    So for me trust is honestly not the easiest, and I hope I don't ruin some of these new friendships im making, but I guess only time will tell. 

Out of shell

    A little time as past since my last entry so I'm just gonna use this post to write whatever's going on in my head. Well let's see I can say I've been playing Pokemon Go for the last week and I have been more active while playing this little game than I have in a couple years, even lost some weight. Its also getting me to be more social with people which for me can sometimes be hard out of my comfort zone. I'm very open at hospital when sharing my story so you'd think that personality trait would carry over into other aspects of my life, sadly that's not the case. 

    I keep to myself for the most part not letting many people in, except some exceptional few. But this game has got me talking to new people and getting to know them, and while that is a good thing in my opinion it also raises some bad ha.

    I constantly question everything when it comes to new people (usually I'm a good judge of character though) however, I still find myself wondering are we friends now? Were they just being nice? And honestly i don't know how to deal with those questions because I feel once you ask them to the person in question they could turn out to have been worries in my head, but since I brought them up I would look bad. It's confusing I know. 

    Once I let someone in though I'd do just about anything if they needed help, and I guess that's why I'm so hesitant and cautious I just don't want to be taken advantage of, or left alone down the road.

So the game while fun it's helping me physically wise I'm walking better than I have in months, and it's slowly getting me out of my shell, hopefully I can Lear to tune out all the doubts 

Move on, and let go

    Sometimes we hold on to the things we love, the people we care about, or even searching for answeres. Sometimes we are too blinded by ourselves to see that we have to let go. After trying everything to not to have to give up what we are trying so hard to keep. 

    The thought of losing those threads we are holding on to weighing us down, but we don't feel or see the weight. The past belongs in the past, and sadly we are inevitably going to lose people, things, and never get some answers. We can't let that hold us back though. 

    Sometimes the hardest choice really is letting go, and facing life front face forward. Things happen for a reason and while in can't speak for objects, and all answers, I can though for people. I'm pretty sure all people want you to continue on with your life and make it the best possible life for yourself despite them having to move on from you. They don't want to be tying you down holding you back. 

    Life will be full of moments it's honestly up to you to decide how you live based on them. 

Wildfire

    Emotions can spark out and take on lives of their own, all it takes is a little kerosine to set every part of your life ablaze. Consuming you and ripping you apart at the same time. 

    Like a fire not completely put out, we just leave it thinking if we don't look back everything will be ok its buried. Those emotions can find a way out and, like the smoke can cloud our judgement and how we are perceiving things. Making us read things into things that aren't really there. Without any kind of control like a wildfire our emotions can burn us alive if left unchecked.